Dear Dad,

I know we don’t have the best relationship. I know that I pushed you away all those years, and honestly, I meant to. There were times, where you came home, smelling like smoke, where I had to run away. Everyone knew. Except you. Because you couldn’t give a damn about how that smell invaded me like the British and made me cry and burn like Jeanne. I ran, and I’ve always been running from you. From your smell. Your size. Your angry blue eyes.

I know you’re a broken down thing. A man, they call it. And I know that you’ve really tried. Tried to make a house and a family with a woman you loved. Once. But plans don’t always happen the way we want them to. They don’t fit neatly together like pieces of a puzzle and we rarely ever get to see the finishing line of victory. But I never needed you to win. I just needed you there. When I was lost and bloodied and beaten from the world that you so desperately wanted to prepare me for that you left me to my own devices and now I don’t know how to function in this place because you were supposed to protect me from the monsters but the only thing you kept from me was you. You and the truth. I’ve grown up. We all have. I think you broke. Maybe recently, maybe a long time ago. But in the end, you fucking broke. Like the dolls you always took away. Like the lamp that my sister broke but hurt me even more. Like my heart when I reached out with all my courage, and got ignored in return.

There’s a lot I could blame you for. A lot that I want to blame you for. But unfortunately, I’m this thing called an adult and other adult-type things tell me to move on. So this is me. Giving up and moving on. In the end, I also forgave you. I know you’re broken. I know you’ve had a hard life. And I know this isn’t what you thought your life would look like fifty years down the road. But I’m here to tell you that this is life. This is the world. And you can’t take your frustrations out on everything around you just because you are left unhappy.

So this letter, is to you. To the man that you are now and the man that you used to be. Even though I hate you, and I wish you the best, all wrapped up into one person, I still want to talk to you. I want to not be afraid of what you’ll say. I want to listen to you speak without having to see those angry blue eyes. And I want you to protect your youngest girl from the dangers of the world. Because you never did in the past and I needed you then. But I’ll settle for you now.

Sincerely,

Your once daughter.