Part of becoming an adult

And reaching maturity

Exceeds driving cars,

Changing partiality,

And gaining a sense

Of mediocre

Independence.

It's more than

Graduation,

Pursuing

Higher education,

Joining the workforce,

Or even your first

Experience with

Intercourse.

It's a thing 

that can't be taught

In classes

Or passed

Between generations.

Complex problems

And tough situations

Have no rules

Or solid solutions.

You learn what to do 

Through experience.

It is learned 

Through experiences.

Really

Unfortunate

And distressing

Experiences.

 

It's learning

That life

Enjoys throwing curve balls

That you are in no

Position to catch.

 

Learning

To get a handle

On shit

When you're losing

Your grip.

 

It's learning

To deal with change

That changes you

On a personal,

Mental,

Emotional,

Social level,

On your own.

 

Because

When you're alone,

Who else

Will hold your hand

And guide you through

The many problems

That can't be Googled?

 

Before a series

Self-inflicted changes

I was just

A little mind

Riddled with anxiety

OCD and ODD 

(a constant need

To disobey authority).

An inability 

to participate in society.

"Fictional characters can't love you back."

By becoming absorbed

In fantastical worlds

I socially sabotaged

And deprived myself;

I lacked the effort for

Establishing the skills

Necessary for becoming

A person

Capable of functioning

Normally.

Isolation is easy,

Why interact with others like me

If fiction is more appealing

Than reality?

 

No regard for society,

It's standards,

And the view

Others had of me.

No self-restraint

And tipping towards

"Overweight."

Something like that

Was a bit of a shock to me,

Because honestly 

I didn't want to be 

The weird, quirky,

Mean AND fat bitch.

 

At some point

I had made the decision

On my own

That my current

Lifestyle choices

Needed to cease 

And I needed

To be someone

Worth working with.

 

This someone

Would proceed

To lead a life

Of satisfaction,

Intimacy,

Risk-taking,

Vulgarity,

Flourishing social circles,

And academic victory.

"What're they gonna do, arrest me?"

Never had I ever 

been this happy

To be a part of reality.

 

My best friend,

One of a

Peculiar kind.

Took my love

My laughter 

And my time

Gave me the same

Then took it all...

When he took his own life.

 

This was my curveball;

What might be

A first of many

Soon to come.

 

What we had

And established

And recently planned

Lost...

 

Loss

"Loss of a loved one."

"Loss a son."

A best friend,

Boyfriend,

Confidence,

And validation

Instantly gone 

"Wow, Steve,

What an astute observation."

 

I've lost my grip

On reality.

Alcohol and THC

Both I find

To make good company

(Despite the fact that

Five months prior

Would I have been

Uncomfortable with 

And despised

this kind of behavior.)

Numbing substances,

They've become friends

Of sorts,

Or acquaintances 

I seldom hang out with,

More often than friends

And ties I have left…

 

What little I have left…

He was all that I had.

I was myself with him;

My self is with him.

What's left of me?

A husk; an outline?

"Why did this have to be

My reality?"

What's left of me is just sad

Again.

Loving things that can't love back.

Again.

Empty and isolated

Again.

Who will want me now,

Or what remains of who

I used to be?

 

What was all that progress for

If not to learn

To deal with change

That changes you,

On your own