A beautiful sunny day

From birth protected by those who love us like the blanket kept us safe in our cribs.

First day of school, a uniform promising a world of ambition and never ending possibilities.

Parents letting our hand go, excitement, running to make friends, the world is your oyster, 

if only i could live in what could have been. 

By 13 years old the sunny days lived no longer

that happiness i was promised proved to be nothing but a lie.

Ambitions and dreams soon lost, a grain of sand under the ocean soon washed, 

away, by waves, into nothing, a place of darkness where i cease to exist but came to the realisation that there are so many grains like me, all so similar yet some how not same. 

A happy world blanketed by the lie of reality. 

It's a sad thing when the sunny day doesn't make you smile. 

Parents yelling at you to go outside when all you want to do is hide under the blankets and go back, go back to the time where those days where so much easier. 

Please. 

Please just take me back.

back to the time where my happiness was defined by my smiles not cuts to my wrist, 

when i could talk about my sadness and not be stuck in the midst, 

of trying to be that perfect child, that one we were meant to be before sadness took its toll.

They're just hooded demons riding four horses. 

belimia, anxiety, suicide, depression, just forces, 

innocent defenceless individuals who deserve nothing but the world, 

a life soon lost to the war.

Im okay, im fine, those four fucking words i'd repeat line after line, where my life became a lie, to ashamed to speak out because i have found my reality and its really, really dark. 

I miss the days when Id look forward to what mum made for dinner, not lieing that i ate on my way home when it's really been forever. 

degraded to the feeling of nothing, by the world that was once mine i have come to the acceptance that i should have been, never was and never ever will be free.

Those small butterflies i once found inside have now turned into a black hole sucking out, every bit of energy, happiness and life and the hardest part is that it's coming from right inside me, a place where my little self would laugh and play with their friends, running in the school yard. but those times are long forgotten.