Little loves

My alarm clock rings I hit snooze At least 3 or 4 times before rolling out of bed I walk to the dresser, my head in a dense fog And take my antidepressants Which some days, I wonder if it even makes a difference. I glance at the weather on my little glowing screen Grab the first clothes that kind of match and won't make me freeze And throw them on On my drive my mind races Existential dread Loneliness Confusion Unworthiness Memories of Abuse Trying to fight any anxiety or depression in vain At war with myself The usual menu I step out of my car and show them I'm normal Good morning, how are you? I'm alright I usually say, or sometimes well I'm here My honesty is uncompromised because this is how I've been all my life, I am used to this by now I go out to greet the school buses And then I see you One child, two children, three and four My little loves step out the school bus door The steps almost half their size I look at you all and see the light in your eyes Inside the classroom we will face our day And my life's one true purpose is to love and help you A slew of diagnoses thrown in a preschool classroom Autism Global development delay Epilepsy Angelman syndrome Down syndrome Arthrogryposis multiplex congenita Chromosome 10 deletion Diagnoses like these are generally met with pity By well meaning adults who don't know you Who see the can't talk, can't walk, can't use your hands, can't understand And not the can communicate, can move, can express, can use your toes to color, can learn I am glad that at ages 3 and 4 you are not aware of your can'ts And I admire your attitude of absolutely I can More so than that, I admire your love Love for friends and for family and for teachers and everyone you meet Innocent and unconditional Kind and pure Helping you learn to deal with anger Or to pee in the potty Or to communicate with assistive technology Or to walk And watching you grow each and every day, smothering me in your love and affection My little loves keep me going.