Living in Pain

I knew where I was headed,

Lost in thought, nose in a book:

Dragons, fairies, elves and sugar plum days.

Every thought, every move.

Bright lights filled my eyes

To light up my mind and bring a smile to my face.

Until the day, when the pain grew and I no longer knew what to do.

 

Bright lights turned dark bringing nightmares in turn.

My dreams fell through, the words were jumbled,

The ink smeared black across the page.

Stars no longer brought smiles, but meant a new kind of pain.

Four days of IV’s, pills,  unsolved mysteries,

Whitewashed walls and the sickly sweet scent of bleach.

Eighty-one days: no school, friends, books or TV.

Only dark rooms, and blacked out windows.

Slept so much I never slept at all.

New medications every other day,

Tears would flow and meds never stayed.

They told me I’d forever have this pain, no relief

“Just deal with it.”

My mind was lost, I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to move.

But it is not in my blood to lose.

 

It’s like fighting your shadow,

When the pains inside your head.

Every second was a battle, but I read every word,

I aced every test.

I fought through the pain, that voice in my head, it whispered “you can’t”

I screamed right back “watch and see”

this pain won’t conquer me.

They’d ask me; “From one to ten how much does it hurt?”

I’d laugh and say; “Your scale can’t begin to explain the pain I feel.”

Your drugs don’t help me, so leave me be.

I will help myself and be the best me I can be.

 

 

I hid the pain and did what I did.

I had to win.

Eighty-one days behind, I came out eighty days ahead.

I left the school top ten, to become a class of one.

A brand new doctor, no new medicines,

Zero stress and goals to reach.

Eighteen months I was trapped in my own mind, by a pain few could see.

The harder I fought the happier I would be, my pain? It would recede.

Here I am today, happy as I can be.

I know where I am headed;

The pain is gone, my dreams returned.

I didn’t run and hide. I didn’t flee and let it conquer me.

I fought back, the only way I could, to survive, I had to try.

You won’t find another like me, except maybe in my family.

I’m not alone, I could never be, but I had to fight for me.

Look at me now;

I won’t forget the way I was,

But I embrace the me I am today.

I live my life the way I want.

The bright lights are back, the stars shine and my smiles returned.

I learned:

Greet the light as a friend,

Chase the shadows away,

Because the only way to win

Is to play. 

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