"maybe its the drugs."

Sat, 06/21/2014 - 10:23 -- corriek

Causing my brain to diminish or maybe my mind really is going or is my mental health truly my own worst enemy. 
What ever it is My brain had reverted back to the scared 15 year old girl I once was. I locked myself in what used to be "our" room with only my dog a razor an a little whit pill. 
As I sit wallowing is self pity I carefully broke the razor an shaved l
The little white pill till I was satisfied with the amount of powder that gathered below. 
I prepared myself, even telling my mother that I loved her one last time. 
Line after line after line went spiraling up the straw an into my nose until I managed to work up the courage to slide the razor blade across my skin rather than that lite white pill it had grown accustom. 
One.
"ow!" 'that's it'
Two.
"argh!" 'pussy'
Three. 
"oh fuck." 'that's more like it. AGAIN!'
Four. 
"ugh!" 'you're a fucking joke. From that to this'
Five. 
"Eeie" 'fucking pathetic, are you even trying.'
Six.
" fuck fuck." (sobs) 'you'll never have the guts to do it, NEVER! useless!'
Seven. 
"arrrgh! God dammit! Fuck fuck oh fuck!" 'haha perfect just a little deeper an no one will ever have to deal with your sorry ass again!' 
'COME ON DO IT. '
*sniffle* "But"
'FUCKING DO IT!!'
Eight. 
*whoosh thump*
"Oh Jesus fucking Christ" 
'what the fuck. I fucking told you, you fucking slob, in the fucking bathroom. You'll always be a lousy no good bum. You can't even kill yourself for Christ sake. Fucking useless!'
Eight. 
A failed attempt at self harm. 
A failed attempt at suicide.
A failed attempt to get your head straight.
A failed attempt to regain your subconscious...
MY sanity.
" an I like a fool try to cope try to hang on to hope. 
Crazy world Everyday the same old roller coaster ride. 
I won't give in even though I know I'll never win."

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