This is Me

The innocent girl who said no and never,
yes and I promise
has been broken down.
I've become the girl I saw in my dreams.
The alter ego who wanted to see the light
but was kept hidden by my loud, guilted frontal lobe.
In my dreams I stood and saw an older me.
She stood before me holding a cigarette and as she held it to her lips I gasped.
She told me although she never pictured herself smoking she understood why...
Time. People. Heartbreak. Pain. Betrayal. Judgement. Anxiety. Expectations...Life.
They led me to the cliff and made me look down
but I'm the one who turned back,
opened my arms
and started to lose my ability to care.

I breathed in smoke
and I finally started letting go
of the girl I was "supposed" to be.
I took a spoonful of never's and no's
and ate the words I never thought I could stomach.
The anxiety that had taken hold of me started to loosen up
and disappear with the smoke.

"What happened to that innocent, little girl?"
"Who are you?"
"You said you'd never do this..."

I know what I said.
I know it's affects.
When we were little we were taught not to do it
but when a person reaches their breaking point
they do things they thought they'd do.
This makes me feel calm.
Something I haven't felt in a long time.

"...what happened to you?"
I discovered myself
and I realized I wasn't happy...

I think about girls and I dream of kissing them
and I wish I could hold one of their hands.
I like girls
because they make me feel warm.
They are more like me than any guy I'll meet.
Liking girls makes me happy.

"We didn't raise you to be this way!
"This is the worst thing you could do to me!"
If I'm a "sinner" I don't care.

I'm tired of trying to be the picture in everyone's mind.
I am independent
not chained to people's minds.
This is me.

I like this me.
I am strong and out there
and I'm having fun.
Little Miss Goody Goody was sent to the grave.
She was a welcome mat to her "friends"
yet she was Their burden when she had troubles to overcome.
She was the girl to fool
because she was so trusting.
She learned to try and see the good in people
but they only saw her "faults".
I'm not something to step on.
I'm not a joke to laugh at.
You haven't figured me out.
You're barely at the ice burg's tip.
Below the surface are memories and hauntings you couldn't handle.
It's what I call my everyday.
Waking life or dreaming the past is there.
It's the reason I am the way I am
though it is not who I am.
It's not something you "get over".
It's something you learn to wake up with.
Guilt. Shame. Pain. Tears. Feeling broken. Feeling lost. Not being in control.
It's what breaks a person.
Life and people can drain a person.
They can take your spirit and your faith.
They make you stare in the mirror
wide eyed and teary,
shocked and amazed.
Truly devastated.
Oh but don't worry
they only expect you to "get over it".
What I expect is that most people won't care or understand.

I am strong.
I am happy.
I am confident.
I am no longer innocent
but I'm no longer ignorant.
I'm not that little girl in the photos.
The little girl is like the smoke the knowledgeable woman blows.
She is a part of me
but she is not me.
I am my own definition of perfect.
I don't care if you don't accept me.

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