If one single wish was given to me

I would use it to change the film industry

But if it was one thing particularly

I would erase one movie from history

 

A movie that never fails to make my blood boil

An irredeemable travesty lacking any trace of toil

It will haunt me every single day I’m alive

The abomination that is, Home Alone Five

 

Yes, you heard right, this movie exists

Just when you thought the fourth was the end of the list

The embodiment of avarice and low intellect

A truly failed product of the Lazarus effect

 

Plot holes deeper than the franchise’s grave

Never fails to be conformities’ slave

A story so unfocused, predictable and dry

But so unmemorable that it’s hard to specify

 

A Christmas movie, what it claims to be

But even with the title, it could’ve fooled me

Tries to satirize technology, failing to meet realization

That it’s turning its back on its own foundation

 

A disgrace to the comedy art of slap stick

Falters in attempts to be witty or slick

But I could forgive the film pretty quick

If it wasn’t for the god forsaken cast picks

 

Nauseating acting of low proficiency

More wooden than a dam that could contain the Black Sea

And the one thing that makes me scowl and lose control

Is that they got Malcolm McDowell to star in a role

 

Yes Malcolm McDowell, THE Malcolm McDowell

How could he be part of something so foul?

He’s been in some bad movies back in his day

But nothing this bad on his résumé

 

While his career may not have gone as well as he planned

While not even he can save this movie from being panned

He still proves to be a magnificent man

By acting and emoting half as hard he can

 

I was too open minded to give this a chance

I was blindsided by the nostalgic romance

Optimistic my Optimism would not betray me

Untrue to the Truth that it would one day slay me

 

I’m not the only one whose heart is breaking

I’m not the only one who John Hughes is forsaking

I’m not the only one who bears battle scars

For I am just one soldier in a much bigger war

 

It’s the worst thing to happen to the human race

Could make Armageddon rank in at second place

If you think that comparison may lack taste

Then you haven’t taken a look at my face

 

You’d see the face of a boy who has lost his innocence

With the eyes of man who is seeking repentance

For the Ravenous sin he committed that night

When he ate forbidden fruit and then saw the light

 

And in this blinding light, he had an epiphany

That this is destiny of the film industry

A brutal grim reality lacking individuality  

Passionless cash ins with no originality

 

The Phantom Menace, which left it fan base scarred

Batman and Robin, with its bat credit card

A Street fighting Rocky, a live action Scooby doo

Making us fear anything greater than two

 

Life is squeezed out until there’s nothing left

Because as human beings we can’t handle death

So as long as film makers refuse to try

Future generations will be as cynical as I

 

If you think I’m delirious for acting so grey

If you wonder why I’m serious in my acts of dismay

If you’re the least bit curious of my state of disarray

It’s because I’m furious this film has left me a stray

 

And I hope that some day

I won’t be this way

That the righteous and wicked will end their fray

That standards will not as supple as clay

That I’ll be able to do something other than pray

 

That people will put thought into the words they say

And realize there are rules that we must obey

But I refuse to obey and say things are okay

So I’ll do all I can to keep darkness at bay