I need to try and stop saying discouraging words when I look into the mirror 
I need to stop wincing at reflections in windows
I need to purposely not look at my reflections to spare the pain 
People can't believe I hate myself when it comes to physical appearance

they say I’m beautiful but i cant believe that 
But the small jokes I make are as serious as my outlook on myself
And walking down the hallways is an effort to mask my face and body
And I'm desperately trying to patch the holes in myself 
The holes that allowed my self confidence to leak from me in the first place 
The holes drilled over and over by the repeated words that weren't meant to hurt

I knew the hidden meaning, I knew the real thoughts underneath
You are beautiful is what people constantly hammer into to me
It becomes a familiar sound
And as the dark cloud of self hatred looms ominously overhead,
It is only visible to those who truly know me, those who see the thunderstorm
It's funny how the people who try and lift you up end up slamming you to the ground
And when you hit rock bottom you stop trying to disguise the rocks that are ugly 
You stop trying to cover them with make up, you stop trying 
Because a rock is a rock no matter the cover up, and it'll be ugly no matter what
And if I'm a rock someone hand me a chisel so I can carve myself down 

I have shaped myself into the girl in the magazine, 

Because who could ever be a attracted to a girl who wouldn't date herself
Who would love someone trying to make up for their lack of love for themselves 
By loving everyone else, leaving myself empty
It's funny how the people who say I'm beautiful would never date me 
It's funny how my father will not utter the words that would save her drowning child
“You are beautiful, my darling”
But instead I have sunk to the pit of the ocean, trying to hold my breath

i will get up

it only a reflection