painful

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I'm in pain
Outside i'm fine
But deep down, deranged
Mentally insane, emotionally drained
If you ask me how it's going
I'd say it's going great
But, that's all a bunch of bullshit
Honestly, I'm in pain
I feel my mothers spirit weaken
I sense my brothers suicidal soul while I'm sleeping
When i'm awake, the devil is constantly creeping
Nightmares, whether my eyes are open or closed
Yes, i said it, I'm in pain
But, nobody knows
My mind is unsteady, my heart is racing
Tired of these demons I'm repeatedly facing
Stay away, far away from me Satan
I try to keep a positive mind
But Lucifer is always hating
Patiently waiting to snatch my soul, and take it
I won't let it happen, because I am the captain
A god, a leader of my own life
But I can't help but emphasize
I'm in pain
Sick of it, living day by day
They think I'm insane
But it's not my fault, I just live this way
I deal with it
My mind eating itself inside out, bit by bit
I'd say i'm suicidal, but that'd make me a hypocrite
Because I'm the type of man to always stay positive
Positive for my mother
Positive for my brother
Positive that one day, I'll find my significant other
But fuck that, I can't even deal with myself right now
How do I deal with "Do you love me now?"
When the love for myself is no where to be found
Again I say, I'm in pain.
Searching for sunlight  in my day
Darkness rises, as I blow out my brains
From constant grief
And they ask why I smoke so much
Perhaps reefer is what gives my mind and soul the right touch
So I won't take my fathers .45
Blow out my brains
End up in the grave
And these maggots won't eat me for lunch
Yeah, I'm in pain
But one day, I'll be fine
When my mother won't have to work
And suicide does not occupy my brothers mind
But, until then...
I'm in pain
And I pray that one day, happiness I shall gain
This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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