A Photograph of My Past

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A Photograph of The Past

 

I’m laying here, the ceiling’s caving in.

I’m staring up in a gaze waiting for the fallout.

I’m still, I will not move. I will lose myself in this crumble.

I will forget my pain in the blackout and I will finally feel alive again.

I have been numb for so long.

Feeling nothing.

Hearing nothing.

Except the sound of my hollow heart beating.

It only beats to show me time is passing.

To prove to me life is going on without me.

Even though I wish it to stop.

Many years I wasted in fear.

Many nights I ruined with my own tears.

Many days were lost due to sleepless nights.

I wish to rewind.

I wish to start it over.

My life that is.

I needed more control of it.

I lost myself in his empty words.

I’ll find myself in this desolated peace.

I need to forgive myself for the torture I have put it through.

I’m choking on my fears as I’m trying to run from my past.

I see my future but still it’s so far away.

I want to better myself.

I want to rid my mind of the terror it’s endeared.

I love my mother, I’d give my life for her.

Why did she have to put me through such pain and expect forgiveness?

I feel miserable without her.

I can’t breathe with her in my life.

She causes so much pity and self-defeat.

I can’t bear to look at her.

My mother isn’t the same person she once was.

Did the divorce change her? Did the beatings change her?

I do know my mother has filled many of her nights with pills and wine.

I knew it was to numb her pain.

I know the fear my mother had.

She would eventually be left alone.

Only her mistakes as company.

I applaud her, she lived a regretless life for many years.

Until she had no one in her life to love but herself, that her reality sunk in.

He was the one who ever truly loved her.

She came to find a regret.

They were the ones who ever truly loved her.

She found three regrets.

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