planting process

i feel so young 

yet so awfully old all at once

i need life to slow down for me

because i can't decide who i am 

or where i want to be 

or what's going to come of all of this

i've pictured myself at this time in my life for years

but i guess i never imagined the picture being

right here

in my hands

i'm so afraid i've messed everything up

or i'm too late

what if i'm not making my younger self proud?

have i done anything meaningful?

have i left a mark?

what if i died tomorrow...

would the world miss me?

would the world rememeber me at all?

should i want to be rememebered?

do people think of me often?

and when they do

do they smile?

am i really who i've painted myself out to be in my head?

maybe i'm so messed up

i can't change

i wish i could love myself

i wish i was like other girls

i don't like being this way

i don't like being this sad 

i don't feel sixteen

i feel like a dumb child playing dress up

i still have so many questions

why do i feel so young

yet so awfully old?

i want to enjoy right now

right now

but my head is full

i need a drain

i need to drain it all out

i want to be the picture i've painted myself out to be

i want to be the picture of the girl on my phone

i want to be the girl they want 

i want to stop wanting shit

i want to be content 

i want to understand God and be able to hear him

i want to be so deeply rooted in him 

but for some reason i always fail in the 

planting process