My Funny Poems Collection

Poem One
Few Good Friends Of Mine - Rum, Gin And Wine

Let me tell you this story
About life’s little mystery
About few good friends of mine
You may think they are swine
But their power you cannot undermine
They always make me happy
And they always make me smile
They are beer, gin, vodka, tequila
Scotch, rum and wine
Now put them all together
And what’s is not to like about this motherfucker
And it makes one mean drink this sucker
And what’s not to like about this motherfucker

They never abandon me
In good times or bad
They are always there for me
Whether I am happy or sad
They are always there for me
Come rain or shine
They are always there for me
Come rain or shine
All these true friends of mine
Who never abandon me
Come rain or shine
All these true friends of mine
Who never abandon me
Come rain or shine

The star that really shines
Is that all intoxicating glass of wine
With them I am never out of line
And they always give me the time
And this is no crime
When it makes me feel so fine
And when they are inside of me
I am on cloud nine
Won’t you please stay
And just be mine

One tall glass of cold smooth beer
Things are no longer fuzzy
And everything becomes clear
It always fills me with cheer
After I have had one
I am in top gear
And I have no fear
Won’t you please be a dear
And tell all my friends and buddies
You are my man of the year

A shot of good old tequila
Always goes well with my hookah
Somebody please go tell that bitch Sheila
She is the only game in town
And a looker
I really miss that bitch from hell
Didn’t you know ya
Somebody please go tell that bitch Sheila
I really miss that bitch from hell
Didn’t you know ya

When I am with my trusted friend gin
I never know where I have been
It always takes me on a spin
Why does it always taste like sin
Sometimes I think it is my evil twin
Maybe because it makes me feel like Led Zeppelin
It’s not like I am a fuckin Lenin
It’s not like I am a fuckin Lenin

Then there is always the unassuming Absolut vodka
It puts me on full salute
And takes me closer to Kama Sutra
You decide whether it makes me cobra or cheetah
O my precious diva
How about you and I
For a long time now
I have wanted to meet ya
How about you and I
Get down and rumba

A tall glass of sweet cola and rum
And I have no choice but to agree with Lord Byron
Because I do feel it is my true religion
You may think it makes me dumb
But I did not come out of an ashram
Think what you may
I will never be yours handsome
Even if I am lonesome
Think what you may
I will never be yours handsome

This good old glass of scotch
It always makes my world rock
Because it takes me on a glorious high Sherlock
And do not mock
And do not read too much into this
And do not get shocked
This is no idle talk
It is always great times
When it’s me and my buddy scotch

Now put them all together
And it makes one mean drink
And then what’s not to like about this motherfucker
And it makes one mean drink
And then what’s not to like about this motherfucker
All these true friends of mine
Who never abandon me
Come rain or shine
All these true friends of mine
Who never abandon me
Come rain or shine

Poem Two
Bitch Why Did You Leave Me

Bitch you don’t know this
But I loved you very much
And we were supposed to see
Life’s highs and lows
And grow old together
Now I am all alone
Eating frozen dinners

Bitch you said
I didn’t treat you right
But didn’t you always
Started the fight

Bitch you said I cheated on you
But bitch did that mean
You had to change all the locks
You shrew

Bitch you said
I was not good in bed
But bitch did everyone around us
Needed to know this

Bitch you left me
You said I robbed you of your dignity
But what you did not have in the first place
Bitch what loss

Bitch you said I was never around
But did that mean
You had to be mean
To my fuckin mother
And that she was sleeping around

Bitch you said I was always complaining
Was it too bad
I wanted a threesome
With your best friend you fuckin freakin

Bitch you said I did not pay attention to you
But bitch the way you talked non stop
I sometimes had to tune out
Just so you know

Bitch you always said
I was a mean son of a bitch
But bitch did you always have to
Bring my fuckin family into the middle
Of everything

Bitch you said
I did not make enough money
But bitch did you have to assume
I shirked all my responsibilities

Bitch you said my friends were too loud
But bitch did you have to
Cheat with my best friend
To make a point

Bitch you said
I was not good at communication
But did that mean
You had to ruin my
Fuckin reunion

Bitch you said
I drank too much
But bitch with you in my life’s
Did I have a choice

Bitch you said
Nothing I did was good enough
I wish that son of a bitch father of yours
Had fucked you
And shut you up

Bitch you always said that
I did not look good
But did that mean
You had to pick all my clothes
From underwear to my shoes

Bitch you said that
I stayed out too long
But bitch did that mean
You could burn all my clothes
Because of your hate for me
You devil’s own

Bitch you said
I did not pitch in
Bitch why don’t you
Pick up a pitch fork
And dive right head in

Poem Three
It’s Not Like I am Drunk

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
I just had couple of extra drinks
It’s not like I am drunk
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I robbed a bank
It’s not like I murdered someone
I just had a couple of extra drinks
Baby don’t make such a big deal out of it

Why are you so mad at me?
I know I am a little late
I got delayed at the bar a little
Had a very rough day at work
I just wanted to drown my sorrows for a while
I wanted to forget my worries
I know you were waiting for me
I did not forget about us
Let it go baby

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
I just had couple of extra drinks
It’s not like I am drunk
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I robbed a bank
It’s not like I murdered someone
I just had a couple of extra drinks
Baby don’t make such a big deal out of it

Baby be a little understanding
Do understand what I am going through
It was not the drink that drew me to the bar
I just wanted to hang out with my buddies for a while
That is why I was there
While I was there I decided to get couple of drinks
Just wanted to hang loose
Just wanted to drown my sorrows
I did not forget about us
I know I am a little late
Let it go baby

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
I just had couple of extra drinks
It’s not like I am drunk
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I robbed a bank
It’s not like I murdered someone
I just had a couple of extra drinks
Baby don’t make such a big deal out of it

Stop being so mad at me
I really had a very rough day
Things just did not go my way today
I hate when that happens
I did not mean for this to happen
It’s not my fault that things turned out this way
I just needed to get away from it all
I just needed to feel centered again
I was not even planning on going to the bar
But really had a lousy day
Wanted to forget about it all
Let go it baby

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
I just had couple of extra drinks
It’s not like I am drunk
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I robbed a bank
It’s not like I murdered someone
I just had a couple of extra drinks
Baby don’t make such a big deal out of it

Stop being so mad at me
I know things got a little out of hand at the bar
I did not mean it to happen
I did not mean for things to get out of control
It’s not like I got hurt
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I broke someone’s jaw
It’s not like I broke his bones
Stop being so mad at me
Let it go baby

Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
I just had couple of extra drinks
It’s not like I am drunk
Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
It’s not like I robbed a bank
It’s not like I murdered someone
I just had a couple of extra drinks
Baby don’t make such a big deal out of it

Poem Four
It Is No Longer The Same

It’s like nothing is no longer the same
In this good old US of A
Where fast food
Now includes Mexican food
As one of its mainstay

It’s like Condoleeza Rice
Cooking fried rice
And it turned out to be
Kung Pao Chicken
In your face

It’s like Hindu Food
Served on an airline
And thank God
There was Hare Krishna
To take the kick away

It’s like two guy’s
With a Pizza place
Without a girlfriend
Having Hamburger every day
As a saving grace

It’s like being in love
With Chicken Quesadilla
And it turned out to be
A Cheesy Burrito
On a very long day

It’s like wanting Thai food
On a rainy day and once again
I found myself getting lost
In the confusion
Whether it will be Pad Thai or Satay

It’s like Chicken Alfredo
They say that comes
With mushrooms and peas
And yet it turned out to be white sauce
That made the home run again today

It’s like House Speaker Ryan O’Neil
Cooking your wedding meal
And the wedding cake
Was five feet tall
And he was on top of it
As both dessert and entree

It’s like having Sushi for breakfast
Served by your naked chef
On his rippling chest with wasabi
Instead of blueberry pancakes

It’s like going to the movies
And my head went round and round
Because they were serving
Five course meal on a foggy day

It’s like coming home
To find your Mom serving popcorn
On your favorite Chocolate flavored
Ice Cream Sundae

It’s like going to a buffet
With endless line of tasteless food
And sticker shock that’s like
A tight slap in your face

It’s like a night of romance
Of expensive french cuisine
A la carte and cheap wine
To impress a date

It’s like coming home
After a very long day
To find your wife of twenty years
Busy smoking cigarettes
And cooking rice a roni on your plate

It’s like three wedding and a funeral
And the groom
Serving country fried chicken
And got egged in his face

When all I crave
For is all American Soul food
With heart and soul
To make my day
On this cruel ironical day

Poem Five
Yeah Baby They Say That I Confuse Sex For Love

Baby they say I confuse sex with love
And I say
Whats the big deal anyway
When it feels this way
Baby they say I confuse sex with love
And I say
Whats the big deal anyway
When it feels this way

Baby I am no Einstein
But I cannot be the only one
Who has felt this way

Baby I am no genius
But I have this strange suspicion
That when God created women
That he had it planned this way
All along anyway

Baby I am no Einstein
But when it feels so great
Right from the start
And every time
Then why have this age old battle
Between my brain and my heart
When it feels so great anyway

Baby I am no genius
But when I hold her tight
And she kisses me back right
Then why fight this fight
About sex and love
Once again tonight
When it feels so right
Anyway

Baby my friends call me a whore
for confusing sex with love
And not just a score
But baby I think they are
Just being a bore
When it keeps me there and makes me
Come back for more
Then why not call it that anyway
It’s not like sex and love
Do not belong together anyway

And baby what exactly is the difference
Between sex and love anyway
When it feels so good
Like it should
Like heaven has smiled upon me
And it feels that way anyway

Baby they call her my sex object
And my fascination
But baby all my heads call it love
And the sweetest sensation
And baby I am no Einstein
But I cannot be the only one
Who has felt this way
Anyway

And baby when the lines between sex and love
Are so blurred
Whenever I think of her
That it takes no Einstein
To figure this one out
This most sinful sensation
That wants to make me want to shout
Why not just
Call it love anyway

Baby I am no Einstein
But I cannot be the only one
Who has felt this way

Baby I am no genius
But I have this strange suspicion
That when God created women
That he had it planned this way
All along anyway

Poem Six
Not A Single Day Goes By

How do I make this pain go away
How do I stop missing you
Not a single day goes by
And I can’t stop thinking about you
Sometimes I reach for vodka
Sometimes I reach for wine
Sometimes I reach for rum
And I still find myself running out of time
Only to find you are no longer mine
Sometimes I shake it
Sometimes I stir it
Sometimes I fake it
Sometimes I simply break it
And it still haunts me day and night
That you are no longer mine
And you are still not here
And you are not mine

Sometime’s it’s gentleman’s whiskey
Sometimes it’s roughshed scotch
Sometimes it’s plain old gin
And it feels like genie is still not out of the box
Sometimes I drink it straight
Sometimes on the rock
Sometimes with tonic
And I still can’t get over the shock
And you are still not here
And you are not mine
((That you are no longer mine))
Not a single day goes by
When I don’t wish you were here
You and I were not supposed to be page of my life
Nor just a line
But something that was supposed to last forever
Like fine wine
That just keeps getting better and better with time
Come rain or shine
And you were supposed to be forever mine
Till the end of time
Like a smooth cougnac that just feels so fine
How can it possibly be a crime
The way I feel about you all the time
Here I am thinking about you once again
And here I am all alone with you gone
And you are still not here
And you are not mine

Poem Seven
Baby I Know It Is Not Your Fault

When I met you at the reunion
Your one year old marriage was coming apart
And my six month old marriage had gone south
You were still the prettiest girl in town
When you agreed to marry me
That’s when I started worshiping the ground you walked on
When things in our life don’t work out
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

Someone at the front door banging
The little ones as usual screaming
Our teenage daughter lost in space dreaming
A call I had to take and the phone ringing
You were in the middle of painting your toenails so you could not get there
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

The cable guy three hours late but is finally here
The neighbor wanting to borrow the hedge clippers
The Fedex guy with a package delivery gone haywire
I know your mom was on the phone so you could not get there
My life as usual a beautiful satire
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

The flight is late and the connecting flight we could not get on
The room with a sticker shock we had not bargained for
Room service food more expensive than the flight we were on
Our rich daughter that tipped twenty dollars to the room service boy
I know it is your time off with not a care on
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

It’s not your fault you have a headache again
That expensive bottle of wine you have every night brings it on
Once again no sex tonight it’s something I no more complain about
The air conditioning at full blast again turning the room into a war zone
You once again wanting to sleep with the lights on
I just want to get to my side of bed without a fight on
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

When I met you at the reunion
Your one year old marriage was coming apart
And my six month old marriage had gone south
You were still the prettiest girl in town
When you agreed to marry me
That’s when I started worshiping the ground you walked on
When things in our life don’t work out
Why blame you for it
Honey I know it is all my fault

Poem Eight
It’s How You Make Me Feel

All I want from you is sex
Why do you have to bring up my past?
And want to talk about my ex
If I liked my ex
Don’t you think I would have stayed married to that hex?
Now which part of this still confuses you sweetheart?
I did set it straight for you from the very start
It is not about your fortune or your fame
It is about how you make me feel
And I do not feel ashamed
What’s love got to do with it in the first place?
When we both know it can easily be replaced
It is not like you and I are meant to be together forever
It’s just that when you hold me in your arms
You give me the fever
Let’s grab moments of happiness from this life
After all who has seen tomorrow?
And why take a hike
Let’s live life to the fullest with you by my side
And together let’s make happiness our beautiful ride

Baby life is too short
Baby life is too hard
Why waste a moment
When together we can make it rock
Stay with me
After all what have you got to lose
It’s not life comes with guarantees
Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose
Life should not be about being used or getting abused
Love as we all know is a game in which we all lose
Let me show you what life can be
After all you never know it could be about you and me
Let’s hold each others hand
And together let’s take the dive
To this beautiful world of happiness
That has been waiting for us for a long time

Poem Nine
I Am Onto You Baby

No matter what you do
You cannot get to me
I am on to you baby
No matter what you do
You are not getting off so easy

Next time you want me Joe
Just rremember I told you so
Just because you turn me on from head to toe
It will do you good to remember I was your love not your foe
You cannot turn your back on me so
No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy this time around baby
No matter how hard you try

You cannot take me out on a date
And pretend to be important and show up late
After all you and I have just been few years of very long wait
Now that you are here do remember mate
No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy this time around baby
No matter how hard you try

You cannot take me to the movies
You cannot buy me rubies
You cannot buy my love
You scoobie doobie doobie
No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy baby
No matter how hard you try

You cannot come close to me
You cannot just hold me
Not even your sweet smile can seduce me
No move of yours will ever sway me
No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy this time around baby
No matter how hard you try

You cannot sweet talk me
Go ahead and mock me
You cannot rock me
No matter how deep you look into me
With your smoldering sexy eyes
No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy this time around baby
No matter how hard you try

No matter how hard you try
I am onto you baby
No matter when and how you say maybe
You are not getting off so easy baby
No matter how hard you try

Poem Ten
It Is This Secret About Me

I always carry a mask on my face
Because I don’t want people to see the real me
Let’s keep this secret a secret
God forbid people find out about the real me
If they do the secret will be out
Let’s keep this secret a secret

There are million secrets behind this mask
If I reveal them how will you be able to look me in the eye?
If I lift the mask from my face
You will not be able to control your feelings
If you cannot control it
Imagine how difficult it will be for others to handle the truth
Just remember if I remove this mask
You will lose everything

I always carry a mask on my face
Because I don’t want people to see the real me
Let’s keep this secret a secret
God forbid people find out about the real me
If they do the secret will be out
Let’s keep this secret a secret

Don’t have second thoughts about removing this mask
Don’t go back and forth on it
Let the secret remain a secret
Just throw it all out
Because this face of mine has several masks
You will not be able to tell one from another
If I show you the real me you will be lost forever
Even the best have not been able to stand up to my charm

I always carry a mask on my face
Because I don’t want people to see the real me
Let’s keep this secret a secret
God forbid people find out about the real me
If they do the secret will be out
Let’s keep this secret a secret

It is God who has created me
But even he has not been able to figure me out
He may have given me worldly virtues
But even he bows his head to my beauty
That is why I always carry this mask on my face
People cannot find out about the real me
If the see the real me the secret will be out
And the secret should remain a secret at all cost

I always carry a mask on my face
Because I don’t want people to see the real me
Let’s keep this secret a secret
God forbid people find out about the real me
If they do the secret will be out
Let’s keep this secret a secret