Sometimes I wish I could get rid of you. I don't want to feel you anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty and numb. I want to feel whole again. But I don't know how to feel that way. I want to stop crying. Can you just go away? Please?
I understand that everyone is meant to feel pain. But do I have to feel it every day? I'll forget that I'm in pain, but then the anxiety sets in. The depression creeps up on me. I can't breathe. I just want to shut down, to not feel anything.
Some people would drown their pain with a bottle of vodka. Some would stay high as a kite. Some would self-harm. I did, and I'm not proud of it. But it didn't help. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism. So what do I do now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would rather feel the pain and know it's there, then to be numb to life.
Sometimes there are okay, or even good, parts of my life, and I want to feel them. I want to look back on life and say that I dealt with my pain. That I was able to handle it calmly and didn't stoop to low levels. It gets hard, and sometimes I'm ready to give up. But I have to remember that I have a future ahead of me. A future that will be better than the life I'm living now. That's what I look forward to. I want to get better. I want the pain to ease. I hope one day it does. I have faith that things do get better. One of my favorite quotes is, "You only go through the battles Life knows you can handle". I know that this is just the rough patch in my life. I know that if I work hard and push through this pain, it'll get better.