Reflection by Bahijah Hasan

Location

19120
United States
40° 2' 17.0808" N, 75° 6' 49.2192" W

I look out at my face in the mirror pasted to the bathroom stall
My ears hear my heart break and as my knees begin to fall
I realize nothing is left for me here but an oblivion of nothingness
A continuous series of failures that repeat with each beat that reverberates through my chest
I cannot rest as I struggle to figure out what I’m feeling sad for
All I know is there’s nothing left for me to feel glad for
But there’s always more pain more sadness more grief
as my eyes cry tears that will never bring the relief that I crave
So I wait and I pray for the day I can say that I’m proud to be living at least
when I can look at myself and no longer see the girl that disappointed them all
or the girl I no longer even want to be
Now I’m just weak struggling with defeat as
I stumble around in this hole that seems a million feet deep
I weep because I’ve known for some time that something about this life is not right
even though I was so tired of the lies
I was not ready for the truth that crashed into me before my tears even got a chance to dry
now I feel like the very might I hold inside that pushes me to try, to strive, to hold on is being drained from me
little by little with a trail of agony slicing through my soul like a knife
tearing a hole in everything I am
some days I wonder how much longer I can stand
bearing these burdens that I no longer understand
as my strength bleeds from my invisible wounds that weigh my spirit down
there are days I wonder if I might drown because even now my head is barely above the water
and its so hard to stay afloat when the slightest movement reminds me of the pain
then there’s my shame because at times I think it would be so much easier
to let the whole world go black but my mind pulls me back because I have too much pride,
to just give up just sit down and die
so I just walk away from that mirror every time cause
no matter how tough this life is its still mine

 

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