Russian Roulette

You were the breath of fresh air

That I didn’t know I needed

Until we met

I have been so used to suffocating

That I forgot what it felt like to breathe

Always being deceived

Into thinking that being alive and living

Are the same thing

 

I inhaled you so deeply

That I was high off of happiness

But the rapidness of my feelings

Brought me back to reality

My reality is only a fallacy

Knowing neither of us are ready to fall

Or give it all

We’d rather gather weeds from the backyard

Than reap the seeds we are too afraid of sowing

Knowing that throwing away love

Is easier than taking the time to make it grow

 

And we’ve come to an understanding

That it’s better if we don’t let our hearts take control

Our heads are much better at making these decisions

Rather than stitching incisions from where past wounds lie

Disguising our scars as victories

Left as mysteries to discover

Going down on one another

Only interested in learning the anatomy

That we give so absently

Not bothering to hide our selfishness

 

This lust is a consuming fire

And I’m burning

Yearning for more of you with every taste of your skin

I used to think that you were good for me

That your affection wasn’t merely a distraction

It’s only when I’m left with the ashes

Do I see how destructive this obsession is

I have to stop letting your moments of kindness be my moments of weakness

 

You have some sort of power over me

And it’s sating

I hate looking in the mirror seeing that I have become your puppet

Treating me like a culprit when you’re the one pulling the strings

You’re picking me apart at the seams

And you don’t even notice me unraveling

I’m seeking validation on every occasion

That I’ve wasted chasing you

Praying that just once I’ll feel good enough

To stand by your side

 

I’m playing Russian roulette with my emotions

Hoping that the one that kills me is the happiness

I initially felt

And not the jealousy that has so carelessly

Taken over my being

I’m tired of feeling used

But I don’t know when to walk away

Caught in the sway of this complicated wave

I told you that I don’t handle complicated well

But you don’t seem to mind as long as you get what you want

In the end

And I’m left stuck with feelings of uncertainty

As you carefully leave

Making sure there’s no room for me to follow

 

I’m sick of rearranging my thoughts to suit your needs

Making myself available because I’m incapable

Of saying no to you

Knowing I deserve better, settling for someone

Who doesn’t even bother to show

I wish I could let go

Because that would be a whole lot less painful than holding on

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