I believed in God like no other when I was younger.
I was the most religious 6 year old you've ever seen.
I was always eager to go to church.
It was my favourite place to be.
Sitting in the front pew,
Listening to the pastor as he opened my little eyes to the world with the words of God.
I'd beg my parents every Sunday,
To let me stay just a litte bit longer
So I could take in all the pious glory that was
Trinity Lutheran Church.
I carried my religion on my sleeve,
Let everyone know
Of my devotion to God.
Then... I was harassed.
Violated, my innocence taken away from me.
Then... I got depressed and anxious,
Every day was a game of Russian Roulette,
bullets and all..
I didn't know what was wrong with me,
I blew up over the silliest things,
Everything triggered me.
I would tumble into vicious cycles
I questioned everyone and everything,
"Do they really love me or do they just feel bad for me?"
"Did you really have to say that? Everyone thinks you're an idiot now!"
My doubts and fears only grew stronger as time passed.
And I couldn't cope with my demons anymore.
I was done,
with how my mind was treating me.
So I chased some Ambien down with a bottle of Rum.
I tried everything I possibly could
to feel better...
I turned to sports,
Turned to writing
I turned to drugs
I turned to science.
I learned from science
why my brain was thinking the way it did.
I learned why I felt a certain way
And why my body reacted to that certain thing
Why Did science tell me why
I am who I am?
"I am Amanda.
I am a victim.
I am depressed.
I am a 6 time Academy award winner
Of cheating death.
And I am a
96 time Academy award winner of enduring pain.
Why did science tell me that the way I'm feeling is
Is not the only way?
How to stop feeling that way?
And that I wasn't alone!
I went to church,
I talked to mommy's nice Church Friends,
And they just scoffed at me
And told me I was too young
To be feeling the way I did.
That if I just smile and laugh then
All my demons would go away.
"Put some light in her life,"
"Let God be that light!"
And each night I peered up at the stars (which science told me
Were reallyyy old, burning rocks in the sky, not "all of god's angels!")
I'd blink away my tears,
And I'd say;
"God? God, Why am I always so sad?
It's scaring mommy and daddy. &
I don't like scaring my mommy and daddy."
I'd cry a bit more,
And then I'd shake,
And suddenly I was freezing.
Suddenly I was in a whole other world (of dissociating, doctors would later tell me)
And my parents were all out of
(Became "sympathetically depressed", psychology would actually say)
Then, I started school.
Pre-K at Milliken Elementary School,
Mrs. Herman's little class of 2016!
I started school and
They taught me science.
As each year went by my little brain starting thinking more and more and more
Why is the sky blue?
why is the sun hot?
Why does night happen?
How does this work
And how does that work ...
I got to high school
and things only went downhill from there. And
I started questioning '
'Who am I?'
I met more and more people who
Felt like me.
And they told me things,
"Oh, meet this person here,"
"Go to that place there."
They opened my eyes.
became my lights.
I went and met very many lovely people,
Some were called therapists,
And others doctors and psychiatrists,
I went to a very nice place,
A place where you were never truly alone.
A place where your feelings were never invalidated or belittled.
Was a mental hospital.
The hospital was full of more nice people,
And they told me things.
They told me how to escape from toxic relationships,
How to cope with my triggers and stressors.
They told me it was okay that I was there and
That they'd do everything they could to help me get better.
They taught me coping skills.
To make your demons go away.
To make those voices be quiet.
To make your happiness come back."
So I did them.
And I left.
I left feeling so healthy.
So happy and
that I didn't hang myself that one night.
Or succeed in driving my car off a bridge that other night.
I left feeling new, and confident.
Didn't help me find..
All those sleepless,
Panic attack filled nights
Of praying and praying and praying to you.
Telling you 'I'll start listening to mom, I'll stop smoking, I'll do better in school if you just please,'
If you helped me heal my sadness.
And each night you turned your back;
Helped someone else "cure" their gay child.
I kept making wagers,
Deals with you,
And you still turned the other way.
Left me standing in the dark;
Flame to my skin,
Trying to shoot the sunshine
Into my veins.
Because Every night
I asked for you to light my way.
And every night you wouldn't answer.
But I turned to science and
What you could never provide me with.
I turned to science and
I finally fell in love,
and yes I also fell out of love,
(But science yet again helped me out there no thanks to you)
I turned to science and I'm smiling
Bigger now than the last time anyone ever Saw it.
I turned to science,
And science alone,
Fixed me .
Unlike my father's God.
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