I used to write letters

To anyone who meant anything to me.

I’ve gone through countless sheets of paper,

Saying things like

You mean a lot to me but we’re drifting apart

And other equally cheesy and overly sentimental phrases.

I haven’t written a letter to anyone

In as many months as it’s been since I loved you,

And sometimes I think it’s because you stole my ability to say what needs to be said.

You made me afraid that telling someone how I felt

Would end in them making it my fault that I was sad,

Or them turning it into a pity party for themselves,

Which would end in me comforting them,

Not the other way around.

 

I used to write letters to everyone

But you were the only one I ever gave them to,

And in giving you my letters I gave you my soul

And my willingness to say what I feel.

I think this because now I think that being sad is a weakness,

That the tears coming out of my eyes will turn into a puddle and grow to an ocean in which I will drown.

Now I feel that I have to be prepared

And excited

But never afraid

Because fear is a weakness equal to despair.

 

I used to write letters when I was afraid

Or in love

Or when I needed to promise

We’ll always be friends,

When I couldn’t say what I felt because my words turned into me hyperventilating butterflies up and out of my esophagus,

Word vomit that wasn’t words but gibberish,

Because I couldn’t say what needed to be said- it had to be written.

 

I’m stronger now.

If I saw you at CVS I would walk up to you and say

Look at me and how much better I am without you dragging me down

Look at how much I don’t need you

And then I would snap back to reality and hide in the makeup aisle,

Following you with my eyes

And waiting for you to leave.

But fear does not mean fragility

And despair does not mean deficiency

And it is not my fault

That you hurt me.

So I say this to you,

To anyone who has ever hurt me

Or abused me

Or taken advantage of my trust,

Fuck you.

 

What makes me tick, you ask?

When someone you thought you could trust

Turns around and sneaks behind you,

Pulling a knife out

And thrusting it into your body

In such a way that you don't even know

Until you look back and see their bloody hands.

An abusive relationship is nothing to joke about

It is an addiction

It is a hungry monster living inside you, 

Convincing you to stay because

It'll get better

But it doesn't and leaving is the hardest thing I've done to date,

And the best thing I've done to date.

What makes me tick is manipulative, hurtful people entering your life

And turning it upside down

And convincing you it is right side up.