Sometimes it was screaming,

and crying 

and smashing plates. 

Other times it was a quiet numbness 

and, "Oh my God, why am I not dead?". 

Some days I was happy, 

the Prozac kicked in, 

and I was able to go the whole day without losing it.

 A dark cloud loomed over me constantly. 

A reminder that I had a disease 

and couldn't escape. 

Sometimes, depression was falling 

into the deep end of the pool.

 I was drowning 

and could not breathe, 

yet everyone around could. 

Sometimes, it was curling up in my closet, 

hiding from the universe. 

Other days it was taking a five-hour nap 

because facing reality was too complicated. 

Some days I would eat a lot, 

others nothing at all. 

 

Depression; feeling way too much 

and nothing at all 

at the same time. 

It was constant 

visits to the doctor, 

convincing them my suicidal thoughts had gone away. 

They hadn't. 

That suicide contract taped to the refrigerator door 

was a constant reminder of,  "Oh right, I can't kill myself". 

Depression was mascara-stained pillowcases 

from crying myself to sleep. 

Nails that were hardly existent, 

because I had managed to bite them down so much. 

It's sweatpants and an old tee shirt 

because I didn't feel beautiful in anything. 

Finding the energy to pour milk on my cereal 

was a struggle. 

My mother constantly worried. 

My father can't recognize his little girl. 

My little brothers had lost someone to look up to. 

Every day was a reminder that I had fallen 

nine steps backwards. 

Knowing the rest of my life would be a turbulent cycle 

of sadness and fear. 

I plummeted into a deep darkness, 

a place, few have ever been. 

Depression was not being able to take it anymore 

and at the age of sixteen I tried to take my life. 

 

Despite my greatest efforts to leave this earth, 

God was not ready for me to enter his kingdom. 

It dawned on me that I should have been dead. 

My calculations 

and stashing pills were no match

 for God's greater plan. 

I was supposed to be here. 

Tears rushed from my eyes 

and in that one moment 

I had never felt more alive.