You know me

But you don’t know me

You know how I think but you don’t know my thoughts

You see me

But you don’t see me

You see me smile but you don’t see the tears behind it

 

All my life I’ve been told I’m unwanted

All my life I’ve been told that I’d be better off dead

All. My. Life. no one has once stopped to ask me if i was alright

I’ve lived a life of torture

A life of pain, if you will

It affects me in unseen ways

Ways that can be seen if you just took the time and effort to look

 

Six to sixteen

Ten years

Ten. Years is how long I’ve dealt with this behind closed doors

When the few friends I had found out

They built up a wall

To help me

Hide me

 

I have secrets

Secrets I won’t willingly tell

They would shock you

Scare you

You would call me insane

Send me away

 

As I look around at all the happy smiling faces,

I wonder how many of them are actually like me

Looking for a way out of the pain and ready to do anything to get to that exit

What I’ve been through

Its painful

Disturbing

Murderous(Deadly?)

 

There are thoughts I have about death

Wonders

The curiosity to know more without actually dying

 

I know

What a freak

 

These are the thoughts that I deal with

And yet I’m still  forced to deal with them alone

Do I have a disease?

Am I infected?

TELL

ME

WHY

 

I don’t deserve this

Any of it

I take all of who I am

And put it aside for them

Never getting anything in return

 

You don’t understand

You CAN’T understand

No one can understand till they’ve been through it

And if you have, then I’m sorry

 

It’s a story that’s no fairytale

No happy ending where I find my prince

There’s too much self-hate

Self-Pity

A Masochist who can’t quit

You wouldn’t know that though

 

You throw dirty looks my way

Whisper behind my back

Acting like I don’t know it happens

 

But now I have a question

If I were to...disappear,

Would you notice?

Would you miss me?

Would you care?

 

If I were to die,

Would you cry over my casket?

Would you think to yourself, ‘why did she do this?’

Would you ever question anything?