Telling my story

Ion know where to begin

So much to say

Not enough time to speak it

Alot on my mind

But im limited to my papers

Pre set up for my failure

Battling to flip the script

Mamma couldnt handle it

Brought quite a few kids into the world

Sad to say some gone

Something had her mind drawn

She just longed for something to call her own

Mama tried battling them demons

All on her own

Cant wait till its hold is gone

Dont Want her to experience this

All on her own

Couldnt take it

So mama ran to them drugs

Even screwed in the head

She’d fight for me

Because mama love me

So i thought it to be

Mama aint know how to love

Confusing a feeling to the reality

I guess i just couldnt give mama

A strong enough high

To make her fight to get better

That dazed look in her eye

Felt like i was staring into my future

Aint nobody was speaking  life into me

Mama im hurting

Mommy i thought you would understand

Better than anyone else

And make it a priority to protect me

Had me living in a house with big time drug dealers

I called them niggas my uncle

I aint know you was screwing him when the lights went out

Had me spoiled Spoiled me rotten

Yet even then that look never left your eye

The look where i seen me

I remember daddy yelling at you

He said “tanya stop that stealing they gon catch you”

You looked me then i said

I gotta do this

Daddy i needed you

Daddy sound foreign to me

wouldnt leave them streets alone

Maybe you in to deep

remember you said you’d kill for me

Aint think twice about it

Til i realized you were as serious as my heart beat

Went to all them classes

You was determined to keep me

Your only baby girl

I hate that you failed you not me

Cause even though youve been through it

I counted on you

You and mama

Clearly no good for each other

I know That love was real

I never doubt that

This why i always say

Two broken people cant  love each other effectively  

You wasnt playing with matches

A flame already ignited

The day you layed down with her

And yo souls intimately connected

The flame turned to a wildfire

Burning me

I remember bits and peices of being in different areas

Maybe thats why my trust is gone

Everybody done played me

Thought i had finally got a family who would love me

Daddys half blood

So id always be close

So i thought

Yet i was in for a rude awakening

They would not like me

I had no chance to prove me

They knew my mamas name

And that alone was scary  

Add my father to the mix

They knew he was crazy when it came to his

Mama had no limit, period

The system had gave a fair warning

I had seen way to many things

Aint never been in my ages lane

Way to young for them to judge me

They Swore i’d me pregnant by now  

Swore i’d work down on the corner street by now

Maybe thats why i hate when people try to throw they future away

EVERYONE doubted me

My aunt now shes a blessing

Took me in

She got two kids

Yet if im being real

I really dont like them

Even though auntie helped

It couldnt erase all them years of pain

Mad because his mama gave me attention

Yo words rung in my ear

They stung me

to bad i aint sorry

While they was to be sulking

Aint notice i was being molested

Yet they all claim to know me

How you aint see it

I was to young

Was i that good at hiding?

How you let him hurt me?

Every single day

He Came into my room

Peeked in

To see if i was sleeping

He was ready to play

our little game

To many times id pretend to be in a slumber

While the man everyone loved

Violated me

I can still feel his tongue on me

His hands the way they felt on me

Oh wait

Am i making you uncomfortable

In fourth grade

Taught about bad touching

alreading being exposed

Wasnt no need of speaking up

Teachers already aint want me

Family aint even mess with me

I was scared

Begin to think this was my destiny

I hated life

So you know i grew angry

They still clueless

Felt life being sucked out of me

Every Time his body would touch me

While he used me

fed me compliments

Made me feel dirty

his stick that sat in his pants

Till he was ready to come play

I smell it to this day

Some days i relive it

8 years i lived this

Never mumbled a word

Kept silent while the verbal abuse kept coming

Called me everything you can think of

Then double that

First time i learned disrespect was disrespect period

When i seen them

Almost beat my cousin to her grave

Now granted i live in eastlake now

And its boujie

Yet That mentality never left me

Aint even gave yall my full story

I aint never had no earthly help

God the only one who covered me

Hes molding me

Sometimes i wonder why he chose me

Im broken

Its all in my eyes

Them sleepless nights

I just wanna have rest

This generation is sickening

All want a struggle

so they can claim it

They dont want to live it  

This is real life

This is pain is engraved in me

We gon pretend like yall aint watch her swing me

Like yall aint laugh

Like it was comedy

Yall watched it

Like i was some kind of humility show

You knew all about it

Please dont lie about it

Lady said i got some conditions

Auntie aint listening

Im getting tired

Them thoughts been coming back

Them thoughts about slicing

Had to dismiss

Ive come way to far to let it all go

If i go out im going out fighting

Devil really thought he had me

Ima just keep loving them

Revenege isnt mine

But i know God dont play about me

So i pray for them down on my knees

I aint ready to give yall the full story

Not just yet

But one day

Its coming

One thing i do know

Is with God

Nothing can stop me

you feel me?

 

Of course i feel you

Pain?

I've inhaled too

Hard rocks and dope spots

I done seen and slept thru

My clouds are suddenly disappearing

but let me tell you a time once i thought the pouring would never stop

Mentally ill, medicine i've never got

I feel i'm sick in the head

Knees buckled

Don't know which lane to cross

I can't say i been thru your struggle

Or compare mine because that'd just be abroad

Two different areas

Ive lived the good life which my momma made possible

and which i believe to be the normal life

It's normal for me to have went through the sorrows of not seeing my father

It's normal for me to feel abandoned and so different around people who care for me

It's normal for me to question God and not believe he's there but still hoping he is

Hoping hed guide me out that casket they had me laying at

It's normal for me to always feel cold and always envision my life as a joke

It's normal for to feel embodied by the rules of being a man

You think these tears gon fall?

Not likely they've been dried up as the years past

You may smile when you see me

But it's normal for me to smile back

Because you don't know the tricks under my sleeves

You don't know the fears i have...you'd scream

Every step is like a gun full of reality checks being shot in my back

Yes i'm black

Yes i came from poverty

No thoughts of a future

Yes i came from what you seen on tv

Yes the nigga you're scared of robbing you

Coulda been me

You think i care what you think?

Fuck your pity

You think this life was gonna be equal for you and me?

Me and her come from a struggle you wouldn't wanna see

You get a gun pointed at yo head by police
Watch your uncle get arrested and sneak back to your great grandma's crib with your dad and them

You sleep in a dope house

You see your moms struggle to pay the bills and not bang or sell dope

You stay determined to keep your grades up while thinking bout what we gonna eat

You sit there and wonder why your daddy was never there

You sit there and constantly have a father figure die physically and mentally

And try so hard not to cry

Because a man doesn't do that

Im hungry im scrapping up your success

You thought i was done?

This that concrete motor mouth poetry

Never thought childhood friends can be killers so quick

Never thought i was the one to be going through this

Never thought i wouldn't have any love for anybody but my family, that's it

Never thought i'd wanna end my life but i tired of putting up with this shit

I'd kill to see my grandpa's again

untold stories on where i'm from

It's sickening to think i've just begun

It's crazy to think i wasn't gonna end up that bad ass kid you used to think of

I used to steal all the time

It was like my craft

Had bad influences in my hands

I told him no but he’d tell my mom if i wouldn't do it

I dont think im a good influence

I feel truant

I'm so clueless

How am i gonna get my mom a house

If i aint shit but a procrastinator

God give me the luxury eyes to get me to the place, i've been patient

Always felt my mom had hope for me but not enough

I feel in the back of her head i won't be a statistic

But the things i'd never believe in

If i ever was a disappoint to you im sorry im just tryna be me

Feel like my throat's been slit

I never talk just listen

I got a plan that'll find both of us a way out

The lone lion and the lone girl

Will make it out through this cold trapped world...