Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

Location

I take my seat in my usual chair.

Hey, it’s good to see you!

You too.

How have you been?

Silence.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

I pick at what’s left of my nails.

Okay

Just okay?

Yeah.

Silence, again.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

What are you thinking?

Crazy…crazy thoughts.

Like what?

I hate myself…

Why?

I look back on my past.

How could I not?

You’re different now.

But I’m not. I’m still the same body, same mind, same soul.

You have got to stop beating yourself up.

I hate him.

I know.

I hate him so much.

Tell me why?

He ruined me.

How so?

Manipulation.

I was thinking the same thing. But he didn’t. He can’t.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

I twirl my ring around my finger.

I’m so stupid.

No.

Yes.

He took advantage of you.

And I let him.

No, he manipulated you.

And I let him.

No.

I was so vulnerable.

You thought it was forever.

I should have known.

You had no way of knowing.

My parents warned me.

You’re a teenager. You’re going to go against everything they say.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

You’ve got to move on.

I can’t.

You can. You’re so strong.

So weak.

Tears begin to fall.

It’s okay. You can cry.

No, I can’t. I am stronger than this…stronger than tears.

You are allowed to be weak.

Not anymore.

Look at your past. Look at how much you’ve been through.

But it was all my fault.

No it wasn’t.

It was.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

My hands are trembling.

Calm down.

My breaths are short and desperate.

Breathe, calm down, you’re safe now.

In my mind, I can picture it.

His words.

Forever.

The way he turned me against everyone who loves me.

They will never love you the way I do. They don’t want you to be happy.

The way he whispered in my ear,

It’s you and me against the world.

On my knees, my breaths becoming scarce.

Calm down. You have to breathe.

I hate myself.

No don’t hate yourself. Hate him.

I hate us both.

No, calm down.

I rake my hair in frustration.

Tears pour down my face.

I can feel her cold hands on my shoulders.

Why? Why? Why?

Their cruel words echo in my mind:

Whore. Filthy. Crazy. Psycho. Liar. Slut

I scream. I need pain.

I dig my nails into my skin.

Stop, it won’t help.

I need it.

You have enough.

Physical pain. I need it.

I curl up in a ball on the floor.

Terror and guilt ravage my inside.

Why?

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741