This is not contstructed with the intent to envelope you in guilt

This is not meant to evoke or elicit hurt in any way 

Any shape

Any form.

 

Quiet, frankly I am still in anguish

This soft but deterimental,apocalyptic pain inside

Before you I could never find myself capable of aven attempting to fathom how you could miss

Someone who tore your heart strings and aorta and entire cardiovascular system all in one moment

As you did

Until I did understand.

It came like a heavy wave, an envelopment of  the feeling of drowning endlessly

Even though I could swim for hours

you know I love to swim.

And I love you still ,my first dive into cathexis   

I love you so very much and so very shamefully

I  miss you, even though the word alone cannot do the feeling proper jusice

But I miss you, need you

here!

Not just as a vessel of infatuation

Not just as a boy to kiss

Or hand to hold

Just you in general,just you

The person you are

The energy you carry

I miss being simply within your vicinity

Even if not in a romantic context

I miss looking at you

The one person I could intensely gaze at

Without a shred of self consciousness or doubt

 

Torres

Torres

I miss your heart. 

The groggy warm murmur of your voice 

Your hands

Your pule

Living,breathing you.

With faded clothing

And a laugh like the sun.

Your

You

You!

Around me!

Near me!

With me!

Enveloping me 

I miss feeling like a cloud, light and forever vast.

The warm feeling of true and indeniable youthful love

I knew it was not infatuation alone , I still know

It was just you .

 

Dear boy

I also  miss sleeping throughout the night 

Eating

Smiling

Content

Warmth

Clarity

Reassurance.

I want to be sure of myself and my value once more

My worth in all of its entirety

I yearn to feel trust again

But there is no other you

And no other me

And there is not another life 

I hope one day I can be whole again amid my great intangible

Fully without you

I have an overwhelming and lingering love for you, perhaps always

Wait.

I do wish content for you

I wish it to all the stars in the sky and the Person above you and I.

For you genuinely wish upon warmth

Love

Clarity

Divinity

 

You deserve it just as I do.