How could I have let this happen?
How could I study for endless hours and still fail?
How could I think that everything is fine when it wasn’t?
Like Legos, GPAs are easy to tear down but difficult to put back together.
How is anyone able experience this and still think positive?
Why is it that some people are doing marvelous, great, or even awesome… while I fail?
What is their secret to unlocking the awesomeness of life?
I don’t want to fake smile anymore.
I don’t want to force out laughter to reassure people that everything is okay.
I want to live a life in which stress doesn’t overwhelm me.
I want to get in on the secret;
The secret that many people seem to be in on.
What do I have to do to qualify?
I envy those who, when faced with seemingly impossible obstacles, face them straight on without fear
But let us be honest with ourselves;
Why should everything be awesome?
Why should I smile when I have no reasons to?
Why should I laugh instead of cry?
Is it awesome that I failed my class?
Is it awesome that I have to work two jobs to just pay my tuition?
Is it awesome that I’ve lost friendships that were supposed to be forever?
Is it awesome that I reached a point of such uncertainty in my life that it hurts just to get out of bed in the morning?
I used to be able to believe in the disguise I wore for my friends and family but reality was quick to rebel.
Logically I have to remind myself that almost everyone feels this way.
Yet, I feel so alone at times…
Perhaps, deep in the corners of my mind I do know the secret.
What if the secret is you can laugh and cry; smile and frown.
What if everything is awesome; because everything is NOT awesome.
I have the opportunity to feel so much that I shouldn’t shy away from certain emotions because it’s difficult.
Life should be viewed as an adventure worth the challenge and not some resentful task.
Wait. I am not ready to be turned inside out.
Realization might be instantaneous but change is gradual.
And in this moment, I am not alone.