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I would rather be numb then feel the highs and lows in a lifetime.

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I don't ever want to feel emotion because of how they make me feel. 

How I feel.

Emotions are bad.

It's as if the lows outweigh the highs and there is nowhere else to turn. 

To get out.

I want to go home.

I want to be at home.

I want to be welcomed home but often get lost in the quicksand I call feelings.

I search and search for MY home.

Never found it.

What is home? 

Does it feel like ̈happiness ̈?

I've never really noticed 

̈ ̈happiness¨. 

I look up to all the people who have it and can find the true definition of something I strongly desire so badly. 

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I often find myself wondering if ̈happy ̈ is a made up word as if someone finally, somehow found their way out of depression, anxiety, grief, stress, pressure, sorrow and just named whatever they were feeling

 ̈happiness ̈. 

Here I am, again, sitting in a place I wish I could call home, sadness slowly engulfing me. 

Is this, THIS, rock bottom? 

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Is it desperate to want the feeling of  happiness so bad, you wouldn't even care if its fake? 

I would finally be welcomed.

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Just maybe.

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Welcomed home, joining my peers around me in fake happiness̈.