What is Right?

Sometimes

It is easier to say love one another

Than it is to do it

I learn sometimes that in my mind

I cry and wonder why

My mind doesn't allow me

to open to the other parts of myself

as if I have some sort of block

and I am aware

like a football it is blocked by goalie

as if I cockblock my own mind

is this discipline something i made out of fear

sometimes i feel alone, and i am my only friend

in harlem i seen it go from that to this

and okay

both my aunties got caught on crack and will never read this

And i knew their dealer

i sit back and reflect and reminisce

and see some guys i used to say hi to

didnt get to reach my age right now

because they give in to the streets

or locked away

they didnt get to see the now harlem clean streets

But this is not for me to worry

As this is my home, Harlem

though Harlem gentrifies itself to self hate

Timothy 5:8

"But those who won't care for their relatives, especially those in their own household, have denied the true faith. Such people are worse than unbelievers."

this is everyone around me , that love me

That I want to love them

I still hear the drums in the park playing Basketbal bouncing

rain pouring down on the block party and girls screaming

late at night they come back and then the gun shots party over cops come

he got shot in the head

nomore block parties for a while on this block

Do we know how to have fun?

When I go to school and see the other kids focusing getting straight A's

I have gun shots and screaming replaying in my head

So i made a song about it

A child I was I found myself playing in the dark with the other kids

No street lights and dark shadows of grown men wearing hoodies standing on the corner

I watch them as they leave the block to come back

I didnt get along with the other girls, but with all the rough boys

They didn't let me play because I was a girl

My brother protecting me from everyone around

As if I were a piece of glass

Confused

So I found myself in detention

A normal thing never found myself doing anything right, just couldn't focus on anything

always with a beat in my head and afraid to speak out loud I kept my teeth clenched when I ran

Friends with the bad kids, but I wasn't a bad kid

Thinking if daddy coming home tonight or tomorrow, an impending doom about what I am doing here

Panic attacks at 8 years old because my classmate bully me to have sex with her and I refuse

That I refuse, I got verbally and physically abused I keep it all inside,

Wanting to run away but I'm too fat to catch my breath so all I do is take the hits

Keep on

Go home to find porn on the tv screen I wonder what it would feel like to cum

So I learned , found myself kissing boys at school and I found their protection, and it was more fun than stupid gossip with the stupid girls,

Brother was nice to me when all the friends are around, but didn't hug me when everyone left

feeling neglect , get the fuck out of my room is normal to hear from him

mommy call me a bitch because dad just left and she feeling the stress

compared to her past, I should be happy I have my own room, I should be happy I can go to school

Isn't that true? It's true, I should be happy..

Walking through the projects seeing needles on the floor I knew was filled with AIDS the

dog shit and cigarette buds became a hop scotch game

Having adult conversation with my adult cousin about men

Women i looked up to had the fattest ass and the shiniest lips, the flyest kicks

So that's how I looked like

talking to dope boys for attention

14 years old layed up and he 27

giving me head,

keeping my belly filled

hustling because to smokea dime was more cool then to study in school

then back to my x caused me so much stress

16 years old in Brooklyn in my school skirt

Never coming home because Daddy never did so why should I be home with her yelling at me?

Grades are moderate B average

Found myself having more sex than studying

Wasn't even interested in focusing

Where is my mind? Stuck in the time

I want to get out

Doesn't feel like fun when you're on pills, shrooms, kush and sharing a 40

Wondering if I will keep living this life until I am 40

Walking deserted Bed-Stuy at 4:30AM

So many angels protect my temple and saved me with traveling mercies

Just to get satisfaction from a man , and so I can feel loved

Neglection, Erection=Protection

They only like me, call me Light skin

Only like me when my hair is straight

Only like me when I kiss him when he mad

I become what he want me to

School skirt wearing nothing but a sheet

Laying on a pillow with a gun underneath

Giving me some cake to last for the week

He got locked up for a body lon the street

All of this happen before I turned 17

Summer time hotter than candle wax

Police lights and siren become a lullaby

blazing in the staircase giving into the high

When i think of how my head is when I look back

I don't understand how I could have missed the connection

In the household and the environment

That all the women are baby mothers

Laced weed and more alcohol

older men asking me for a chance

Just walking home from school

How can I be a fool?

So lucky I didn't catch a disease

That would prevent me to type on these keys

to tell you the story now

I was lost and now i am found

Am I found though? Am I found ?

yo..I still live in these matrixes

I try to turn them into something positive

Perhaps the eye contact I make won't feel like a sexual advancement

And maybe he can see the soul inside me

One day, that might happen

Until then I find the men think of me like I belong in a harem

Even if I am covered head to toe

Maybe my energy gives off that I am a hoe

I mean, to be touched at 3 maybe it is my fault

Maybe I shouldn't have been in that park

Late at night playing with the coins on the floor in Lincoln

While the men around were talking loud and drinking

Maybe its because I caught contact too young

and the high gave me an out of body experience

and I learned then life is a game

lucid dreaming is real

and the loud yelling and flames are just for my mind dreams

maybe the the fly cars and loud music was just a phase for them

But enough to make me wonder who they were and how to get with them

To find myself thinking outside the box

and Inside a box pre-made for me to fit

To look like that or look like this

Catholic school teaching the beatitudes and 10 commandments

but I see sisters getting pregnant by the same man

and he raising his hand to her face

men shooting him in the face brain splattered

and hip hop music, so much different from the church music i hear in school

Amen. Amen. Amen I felt trust in that

But how can this be so different?

Confused when I saw a homeless man on the street and hungry children on Thanksgiving crying