When my crusted eyes would wake from a nap again,

                                                I’d sag from bed

                                                                & ache,

& the bags under my eyes in the mirror

                                                Were deep & black

                                                                Like the scars

                                                                                On my face

                                                                                & body

                                                                                                As if

To mark my sins as symbols to the world,

                                                My skin confessing what I won’t say.

 

& in the night

           When it smelled of winter

                   I’d look in the mirror in the dark

& see her

Looking back.

                In deception, she’d laugh,

                                I’d apologize.

In pressure

                I’d cringe.

                                She’d smile, accept,

                Destroy us.

I’d swear

He raped.

                She’d chortle she wanted it,

                                We wanted it,

                                She’d allow it for me.

I deny,

Cry,                                                                                                         forget.

                It never happened. It wasn’t like that.

She likes it

                Even though we only feel pain

& illness

& humiliation.

                I shake & tremble,

                                She squeals & moans like life is gorgeous

While she’s showing me

                                                How it’s not.

 

My scars, in & out,

From her

                I hold, she makes.

She smiles,                                                                             I shake.

               They watch this dance unveil,

                                 My suffering an act, a marveled art.

 

I pray one day

                She’ll stop

                                & I’ll learn

                                                & the pain & memories

                                                Will go away.