today

i am thinking for myself

i think?

i’m not quite sure

you told me to just be myself

to construct my own thoughts and

demolish the ideas that years of 

constant bashing

toxicity 

and taught irrational fear instilled in me

so today. i am thinking for myself

 

you told me to smile more

live a little! you said

i should forget what people think

not care about the constant murmur i seem to always hear

the sound that plagues every thought

every crevice of my mind

but i will do it

i will forget

i will think for myself today

 

this is living

right?

 

thinking for myself means that

i am me

and that is enough.

right?

 

but what do you think?

am i smiling enough?

happy enough?

forgetting enough?

thinking enough?

im thinking

im thinking

im thinking

my mind can only paint a lie so big

i can’t think anymore

im not me anymore

i don’t think i’ve ever been me

i don’t think i even know what that means

i don’t think its occurred to me that i’ve only ever been who and what people want me to be

i don’t

think

 

im not thinking today

im not thinking at all