Why are you afraid of me???

Location

95825
United States
38° 35' 20.6952" N, 121° 24' 30.5028" W

I’m just a pen & paper.

Are you afraid that the truth might come out??? Are you afraid of what the truth is??? Hmm I wonder… ever since you were younger I know you have heard me calling out to you. I used to be found in your diary. As you got older I was found in your homework. I was even found on the backside of your brush strokes. Still you haven’t looked at me the same since you became a teenager.

Have I offended you??? I thought I was there to be your friend. Wasn’t I everything you needed??? Counselor, protector, best friend, lover, sister, brother, mother, father, safety net, and tiny little secret; wasn’t I all of this for you??? did I not meet your needs because the world says if you use me, you will no longer be cool??? Am I not cool enough for you??? I thought me not saying anything would bring you back… but obviously I was wrong.

You left me & I don’t appreciate it. I need you to be my pen & paper & let me – the paper – be you. Can I write on you??? Can I tell you how you have made me feel??? Don’t you at least owe me this much???

I have been with you longer than any friend. I opened myself up to your pain, fears, tears; many years have been spent with me on this desk & you pouring yourself into me. I lived only because you allowed me to be alive for you. You ran to me in 3rd grade when the bullies were hurting your feelings. You ran to me in 5th grade when you had your first crush. We laughed and talked about that for hours. Don’t you remember??? You ran to me when your parents were fighting. You ran to me when your siblings couldn’t understand you. you ran to me when the world had hurt your feelings. You ran to me when you first started playing sports. I encouraged you to keep going remember. What have I done to you??? have I not been enough??? Remember how you ran to me when you were in 8th grade & people looked at you funny for loving to write. You ran to me in 9th grade when you first started high school. I remember you telling me how nervous you were, but then…. Some weeks passed and you hadn’t run to me…

I figured everything was going well because I knew how strong of a person you were. I expected you to pick me back up in about a couple weeks but you never did… you carried me in your bag & you forgot that I told you I was always listening to you. I heard you when you talked bad about me…. I didn’t say anything because your friends seemed to like what you said. You were happy and that was enough for me. I always wanted to see you happy. I knew that you didn’t mean the words you said so I kept them as our little secret. Even though you never wrote those words to me I still kept them in my heart. I would never betray you.

Still many people started to betray you & you were no longer running to me. I made myself known many times to you but you just pushed me away & never picked me up. Many nights I cried silently as I watched you cry out loud on your bed. I wondered why you wouldn’t pick me up & let me help you. Why did you not pick me up???

I wanted to destroy the people who hurt you. I heard you cry out when you were 16, the first time you got cheated on. I heard you cry out when you were 17 the first time you broke a bone. I heard you cry out when you were 18, the day you graduated and still didn’t know what you wanted to do in your life. The 19th year was the worse. You cried almost every other day for a multitude of reasons…. Still you never picked me up. You had cried out loud, did you ever think how bad I was hurting??? I cried silently because I wanted to be strong for you. I didn’t want you to think that I could n longer handle your feelings. I waited for you to pick me up… you didn’t

I waited… I cried… still I waited…. You never came back to me.

I cried as I watched your life take a spin for the worst. I watched you abuse the bottle. I watched you abuse the herbs of the earth. I watched you put herbs down & pick up synthetic drugs. I begged you to stop. You never heard me… why did you never listen to me???

Now you’re an adult & you’re life is in shambles but I have yet to leave you. I have yet to do you wrong. My Love for you is unconditional. Why won’t you let me love you unconditionally??? I’m hurting but still I will be strong for you… please I beg of you….

Pick me up… please… I need you to once again…

Write to me.

Sincerely yours,

Pen & Paper.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741