Billy Joel basically said,

“don’t grow too fast”

But here I am climbing mountains too vast.

And making myself believes that I am happy when I am not.

But I'm trying...

 Appearing happy on the outside.

I thought, at least "on the bright side... I'm miles away from home"

But then I realize "I want to go home" because I'm not having fun anymore being alone.

I'm fighting to be this woman that I always wanted to be,

Trying my hardest to make the best of my hopeful world of defeat

And I’m tying to be grateful to God that at least I can breath.

But this constant battle of grow up to fast is tiring..

But I know on the out side of this veil I appear to be this bubbly annoying girl

Seems happy no matter what

Even though I know they are saying, "she isn't trying hard enough to me"

But If they only seen the truth

So much expectation beyond eyes can see

I wish I can please them enough and be who they want me to be..

I wish I can please my self enough and be who I want MYSELF to be...

But I can't, not yet.

And I can't let them know that I am this scared, frightened, sheltered girl because then I would prove them all right.

"Getting married so young wasn't so bright, this girl is going to ruin her life"

So I continue to smile, and put on this facade of womanliness

 And continue praying to my lord everyday

Asking him for better days.

I can't say that I am fully unhappy because there are things that are good in some ways.

It's just the depressing fact that I put my self in a situation where I have to grow up so fast is hard to handle.

And it may look like I'm doing alright but I feel dismantled

Because my little girl sheltered life is being broken off harshly and so fast.

The decisions I made were wild

Guess I should've listened to Billy Joel when he said in his song "slow you crazy child"

Why didn't I realize, Vienna was waiting for me?

But I guess it is just time to stop complaining and let time pass. And do the one thing that I am actually doing for myself and no one else, getting my education...

One of the easiest parts about growing up in my world..

So at least I'm getting somewhere..

Maybe not where they want me to be, but it's where I want to be..

The one thing I don't have to hide and be ashamed of.

Its like a temporary morphine that takes away my temporary pain.

But Billy Joel said “But then if you're so smart tell me,

Why are you still so afraid?

Billy Joel- Vienna (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZdiXvDU4P0)