I refused to let anyone in -
in the walls I have built up around me .
Walls as cold as stone and hard as concrete.
Walls that surrounded my heart so I wouldn't get hurt;
because for years, I was told that I couldn’t trust others.
I refuse to let myself forgive
to let go and give someone a second chance.
I couldn't even forgive myself;
because for years, I was taught they would just do it again.
I refuse to let myself cry
in front of others, or alone.
Tears would pool up in my eyes, an ocean waiting to rush out -
but I held them back;
because for years, I was reminded it was a sign of weakness, not strength
I refuse to let myself lust
lust after a human being whom I find attractive
for who was I to believe I deserved someone to find me attractive
because for years, I was told that my body is shameful, not beautiful.
I refuse to let myself love
love another person, or love myself .
I didn't love, I hated. I hated everything
because for years, I was constantly told I was not deserving of love
For years I’ve been told that because of my size I was not deserving
For years I’ve believed that I was not good enough, because of my size.
For years I’ve carried around a self hate bigger than myself worth.
For years I’ve lived in a world where love and acceptance were fantasies
I spent years hiding my body
under sweatshirst and loose jeans
trying to shrink between the fabric, get lost in a filed of cotton and denim
never letting anyone get close enough to touch me.
I spent years hating my body
standing in front of mirrors,
clutching fat in my hands wishing it would melt away
I spent years mutilating my body
taking pen caps, earrings, scissors and razors to my skin
wishing that I could cut away the ugly and carve in beauty.
I spent years depriving my body
restricting and limiting food
and throwing up anything that I had eaten that day.
These next years, I am going to spend recovering
These next years, I am going to learn how to love myself
These next years, I am going to love myself.