For Years

For years
I refused to let anyone in -

in the walls I have built up around me
. 
Walls as cold as stone and hard as concrete. 
Walls that surrounded my heart so I wouldn't get hurt;
because for years, I was told that I couldn’t trust others.

I refuse to let myself forgive

to let go and give someone a second chance.
I couldn't even forgive myself;

because for years, I was taught they would just do it again.

I refuse to let myself cry

in front of others, or alone.
Tears would pool up in my eyes, an ocean waiting to rush out -
but I held them back;

because for years, I was reminded it was a sign of weakness, not strength

I refuse to let myself lust

lust after a human being whom I find attractive

for who was I to believe I deserved someone to find me attractive
because for years, I was told that my body is shameful, not beautiful.

I refuse to let myself love

love another person, or love myself
.
I didn't love, I hated. I hated everything
because for years, I was constantly told I was not deserving of love

For years I’ve been told that because of my size I was not deserving

For years I’ve believed that I was not good enough, because of my size.

For years I’ve carried around a self hate bigger than myself worth.

For years I’ve lived in a world where love and acceptance were fantasies

I spent years hiding my body

under sweatshirst and loose jeans
trying to shrink between the fabric, get lost in a filed of cotton and denim

never letting anyone get close enough to touch me.

I spent years hating my body

standing in front of mirrors,
clutching fat in my hands 
wishing it would melt away

I spent years mutilating my body

taking pen caps, earrings, scissors and razors to my skin

wishing that I could cut away the ugly and carve in beauty.

I spent years depriving my body

restricting and limiting food

and throwing up anything that I had eaten that day.

These next years, I am going to spend recovering

These next years, I am going to learn how to love myself

These next years, I am going to love myself.

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