11/28

365 days ago the roof over my head was secure, paid for with my own money. 

365 days ago I had 1 tiny window in a basement and I felt great pride because 

365 days before that I was on the verge of homelessness. 

730 days ago in a place I held dear to me, I couldn't tell night from day. 

Was it raining? Was it snowing? Who could tell in this windowless basement?

But then again, when you step off the bed into a pool of water that might give you a clue. 

730 days ago I knew I wanted "better," but I was scared to ask for it. 

I didn't want to bother God. 

I didn't want to seem ungrateful. 

365 days ago, 

I got "better." 

Didn't even have to ask for it. 

But 30 days before that I thought my entire world would fall apart. 

Didn't have a lease to secure my stay. 

So when my landlord told me I had to go, 

there really wasn't anything I could say. 

395 days ago I was wondering which shelter would take me. 

How could I continue school without 4 walls to call my own? 

395 days ago I was in a panic. 

345 days ago I could afford nice shiny things for the first time in 8395 days of life. 

Sure, I was a slave to those shiny things,

Balancing work and school Sunday to Sunday. 

But what did that matter?

Exhausted is one word,

But comfort is another. 

Comfort in knowing that my servitude was all for something. 

Something tangible. 

A physical representation of my journey out of the struggle. 

365 days ago I fell in love with my beautiful car. 

365 days ago I gave a roof, food, and company to someone who was down on their luck,

A stranger in some respects. 

365 days ago I felt pride in having the ability to do so. 

365 days ago I spoiled myself since I'd spent so much time spoiling others. 

365 days ago I was truly alive. 

365 days ago I felt every drop of blood racing through my veins. 

345 days ago I shared my bed with the man of my dreams. 

345 days ago he was my king. 

345 days ago I would have sacrificed the universe for him. 

300 days ago we parted ways. 

I felt the chambers in my heart separate. 

I felt the cessation of my own heartbeat. 

300 days ago I could have eliminated thirst in a small village,

using only the liquid that fell from my eyes. 

270 days ago I chose to be strong,

Whatever that means. 

My heart beat again for the first time in 720 hours. 

260 days ago I was in desperate need for a change of scenery. 

I couldn't breathe where I was. 

All work, 

no play, 

no one to turn to. 

Worst of all, the air hurt my face. 

I felt alone so I chose to physically be alone. 

I wanted to run, 

and I did. 

240 days ago I got a new job, with a new home, 

in a new state. 

240 days ago I knew happiness for the first time ever. 

I'd met happiness before,

But we had only been acquaintances,

A friend of a friend. 

240 days ago I could hear the wind whispering in my ears. 

I could feel the breeze tickle my face. 

240 days ago my heart was full of light, 

and life was full of wonder. 

240 days ago I met freedom and I loved him. 

193 days ago I celebrated 8760 days of life. 

I felt like a woman for the first time, 

That is despite the fact that I had been raising myself for as long 3520 days ago. 

170 days ago my wallet started watching its figure. 

170 days ago They said that the census was low, so the staff wasn't needed. 

169 days ago I had faith. 

140 days ago I was looking forward to other people's vacations. 

Yes!!! Go to Peru... 

If you go that means more work for me, right?

I waited, and waited, and waited...

How ironic is it that when I need humans to stay they always leave me, but when I need them to go they become statues?

It was about 90 days ago that I realized I was going downhill fast. 

My wallet had dropped so many pounds,

It practically vanished before my eyes. 

87 days ago my phone wouldn't stop ringing. 

But it wasn't the voice of friends and family, 

They barely called anyway. 

87 days ago my call log was comprised solely of 1-800 numbers. 

86 days ago I started getting notices,

Not the kind from the cute guy in the bookstore. 

85 days ago I began the struggle of making ends meet. 

84 days ago I misheard the universe. 

Somehow I thought it said balancing 15 credits in conjunction with impending doom was a wise idea. 

84 days ago I went to school and work with a smile on my face. 

I served the needs of others without being able to serve my own. 

60 days ago I was losing sleep, 

But can you really lose what you never had to begin with? 

50 days ago I was begging toyota to give me more time. 

49 days ago I was begging my landlord to do the same. 

47 days ago I found a letter, 

It told me I only had 14 days left with this roof over my head. 

47 days ago I prayed and I cried. 

46 days ago I think someone heard my prayers. 

The roof over my head would remain there for an unspecified amount of time,

But any amount of extra time was better than 14 days. 

46 days ago I realized nothing that I owned was mine. 

I realized I belonged to my possessions,

They did not belong to me. 

45 days ago began midterm week. 

You'd think the grade book was screaming with all those A's. 

I'd been taking 5 classes in total, 

But  I had to drop 2. 

There aren't enough days in the week to battle 

full time school, full time work, and full time anxiety and depression. 

43 days ago A nurse at my job made me cry. 

I clocked in and out with a smile,

But when I got home I broke down. 

All the lights were on in the house,

But all I could see was darkness. 

I'd been doing my best for so long,

But no one saw that. 

Maybe I made a small mistake here or there, 

but that's impressive, 

given the turmoil in my life. 

40 days ago I realized I'd been working for free. 

School x3, work x3

Phone starts singing at 3am. 

Clock in at 4am. 

Clock out at 5pm. 

Somehow still not enough to pay my bills. 

40 days ago I was exhausted.

I wasn't sure whether I was happy being sent home early or not. 

Some days it felt like a treat and others a travesty. 

Adequate Rest or Insufficient money?

Why do we always have to choose?

35 days ago I found gratitude. 

I told myself that some money is better than no money at all. 

I'd had no money before, 

I didn't want to feel that again. 

34 days ago, 

I felt that again. 

I lost my job, 

my only key to survival. 

34-20 days ago I sat in the same position,

I'm not even sure if I blinked. 

34-20 days ago my spirit was restless. 

My world was shattered. 

34-20 days ago I lost the twinkle in my eye

Symbolizing the complete loss of the the light that illuminated my soul. 

34-20 days ago I was numb. 

19 days ago I literally had to pick my face up off the ground. 

19 days ago I said I'd try again. 

18 days ago I said f*** that. 

I don't want to do this anymore. 

17 days ago I laid in bed crying,

Everything I had left was dying. 

16 days ago I was staring at a bottle of pills on my night stand. 

I wondered how all 140 of them taste going down simultaneously. 

15 to 12 days ago are a blur. 

11 days ago I knew I wanted to live. 

11 days ago making that decision was all I could in that 24 hour period. 

10 days ago I decided to succeed against all odds. 

10 days ago I found hope where it didn't exist. 

9 days ago I decided to approach life fiercely.

I was going to channel my anger into a new found motivation for life. 

8 days ago I had no doubt it was possible. 

7 days ago I crashed my car. 

5 days ago I sat in a lonely house thats hardly mine with no money and barely any food. 

5 days ago all of America was giving thanks, even those who didn't do so on the other 364 days of the year. 

5 days ago if you'd ask me what I was thankful for, I'd have said nothing. 

You'd have said be thankful for life. 

I'd have laughed hysterically. 

1 day ago I had an online exam. 

I scored a 96. 

5 hours ago I ate noodles and bologna for dinner. 1 day from now my fridge will be empty. 

3 days from now I'll have yet another exam, 

thus highlighting that the world will not stop or slow down for me. 

2 days from now I'll submit my scholarship application. 

53 days from now I hope I can join other students on move in day, 

Other than dorming I'll have nowhere else to go. 53 days is forever from now. 

Today I am tasked with the difficult duty of inhaling and exhaling,

Good thing it's an involuntary response. 

365 days ago the world was mine. 

Today, I am just a small particle of matter floating around in this universe. 

365 days ago I knew beyond logic that things would be ok. 

Today, I can only continue to hope the same. 

This poem is about: 
Me

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