I’m not angry at you

Ya know?

I might have been angry

Or sad

Or frustrated

Or some combination of that

Mixed with the feeling

of being utterly destroyed

But I was never angry at you

It took til now

A month since the last words we spoke

Since your name touched my lips

For me to realize

Who I am really angry with.

A searing and tangible anger…

Myself.

Because I knew

I knew for months

Through most of the meals we shared

Through every laugh

And kiss

And moment in the dark

That you were not the one for me

That you would never reciprocate my love

That the time I made for you

was dust in the wind

Pieces of myself

I will never be able to rebuild

on solid ground

And perhaps you were my solid ground

For a while

For the summer

Or perhaps you were the quicksand

It doesn’t matter now.

It can’t

I allowed myself to accept

less than what I deserve

And I’ve only myself to blame

for that disservice.

But I know better now

Or at least I would like to think I do.

I would not take back your curse

Though I know my love for you

Will last longer than these bones

This beating heart.

But it cannot beat for you anymore

You never listened anyway

Never heard it’s melody

Switching verses on a whim

To the sound of your voice

The clock is ticking by the hearth

But it’s not my clock anymore

Not my fire burning out below

My time has just begun

Let the sand pour from my palms

Collect around my toes

I am not afraid of the next road

Or the next adventure

Because life is short

But you don’t only die once

And I’m angry at myself

for believing otherwise

For being afraid to let love crush me

To dust

For letting love crush me regardless

I am angry at myself for all the words

I wrote but never said

I’m angry at the parts of me

Who left my heart for dead

and I am angry at being angry

But I am not angry at you

You don’t deserve it.