Appetite

It’s getting bad again 

How do I know? 

I went to the doctors for mastitis, 

If you don’t know 

it’s a kind of infection, 

 and I was in so much pain from the duct I didn’t realize that I had lost 15 pounds

until I saw it printed on the paper in front of me. 

The old me, the unhealthy me who would weigh herself every single day

would have counted them down 

in a silent sick celebration

as if not getting enough nutrients was a positive experience. 

The current me didn’t even realize I was losing weight. 

And I guess in some way this helps me celebrate 

that I have grown from who I was.

But in another way it makes me really sad

because this hyperfixation I used to have 

Has now turned into neglect. 

I blame the sicknesses and weight loss and infections on you. 

It’s not like I like being sick. 

It’s just that I haven’t had an appetite 

since you left.