Dear Racing Thoughts,

 

Please slow down.

S. L. O. W. Down.

Let me breathe.

Let me be in the moment.

Let my heart beat with my mind as clear as the ocean.

You can't though can you? 

You make my mind become a gigantic oil spill that no one can control.

Nothing is clear about my mind because of you.

 

Right now, I have billions of you in my head.

How much is my next paycheck going to be?

What time is work tomorrow?

How much money will I need to "lend" my mom next week?

Why am I so fat?

How am I going to pay the remaining balance of my tuition?

Is my dad still an addict?

Did I take my antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication this morning?

Why doesn't anyone in my family have good credit?

Stop eating!

What grade did I get on that quiz?

When is my next doctor's appointment?

Is it worth taking my own life?

Should I eat today?

How am I going to pay for books next semester.

When do I see my therapist next?

How much homework do I have?

Does anyone notice me?

I need a car.

But I can't afford a car.

Start studying for that quiz next week.

Will anyone ever love me?

I am going home for the holidays.

Where is all the food going to come from, will we have enough money for gas?

Why can't I be "normal".

There are still so many of you in my head right now.

You are like a puppy, you crave attention.

Once you capture my attention, it is hard to forget about you.

 

I try writing each of you on paper. 

Talking to my therapist about you.

But you keep pestering me.

You make me do things that many other people don't do.

I always apologize because of you. 

You always make me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I can not procrastinate because of you. 

This may sound like a good thing,

but when it is the thought of getting that one thing done consuming my mind,

it is not such a good thing.

 

God I must seem so crazy to some people because of you.

Some people must be able to relate to me though, right?

Because you aren't just part of me.

You are part of other people too.

Right?

 

Sincerely,

Your home: the heart, mind, and body of Alison