Dear Self,

 

i fear for you. 

i fear that one day you will do the highly thought action that crosses your mind everyday. 

the one that you make so many jokes about, when in the back of your mind you know you mean every word. 

you often sit up at night wondering if you're losing your mind with the tears streaming down your face. you wonder when the pain will end.

you wonder why you have no idea what or who you want in life. 

you try to figure out the thoughts scrambling in you head.. which just lead to anger. 

well i'm writing this to tell you its gonna be okay, even though thats the last thing you believe. 

even though you've been hearing the same thing for literally half your life.. and it has been a false statement. 

even though you pray at night to not see another day, even though you cant think of many reasons to stay.

with you, its like peoples words of encouragement go in one ear & out the other. 

i'm telling you, you deserve happiness, you have a purpose in this world... but knowing you, you wont even take my word. 

& the funny thing is, you're probably realizing now that no one can tolerate you for long, & you're watching people drift away. i see you acting like you don't care.. but you're breaking... 

you've always been breaking,

you don't remember the last time you felt whole. 

you act like you don't care about a lot of things & thats your problem.

you know what else is your problem?

you're a walking paradox,

a hypocrite,

a pain in the neck,

a failure,

a disappointment,

your intentions aren't as pure as you claim, 

& your heads no where near stable.

but we can fix it, there are ways to fix it.  

honestly, 

you need to talk to someone. go to counseling & get help in some way. 

& i'm gonna make sure you do that.

because theres a part of you that wants you to keep waking up. 

i'm gonna make that part of you, the whole you. 

but it may be the death of me.