I Don't Love Myself

Not good enough?

What is “good enough”?              

Will I be “good enough” when my hair is down to my ass

And my eyes are altered to turn blue from thin layers of magnifying glasses

And my clothes pink and flowy

And my waist a size zero and my boobs are a C cup

But without even looking deeper into how I feel and understanding what I feel

You judge without any sense of who I really am.

You, like the watch on your wrist mechanically move in a circle not stopping to take the time to think

Think about the actions you are making or the vicious words that

roll out of the sea

on to the shore

into my ears

 Do you think that if I was thinner, slimmer, taller,

 Would it make me a better person

No I do not need to wear makeup every waking minute of the day

Next thing I know I will have to wear makeup in bed because I live in fear of you seeing me naked.

Seeing the real me.

Do you not understand there is more to me than my appearance?

Yes I may not always look the best but you can be sure as hell that I

Will BE the best PERSON that I can be.

It is because of you that I am not in control of how I view my body

My own being

I’m pretty sure you call yourself fat, overweight, large , obese, on the average of three times a day without even noticing that you’re doing it

“ I shouldn’t be eating this”

“ I am so out of shape”

“I can’t wear that, its not flattering”

 You are never satisfied by the way you look

No that shirt does not make you look fat and that dress does not make you look like you have a huge ass

The clothes that you wear do not define the way your body looks

Your body is your body

I am tired of you looking at yourself poorly and trying diet after diet after diet

Being healthy is one thing but how can you be healthy when you aren’t mentally healthy

When your mind has such an unhealthy and damaging outlook on yourself you can never be healthy

You put your weight on me.

The “I”s turn into “you”s

“You shouldn’t eat that, its unhealthy.”

“You are probably out of shape.”

“That doesn’t look flattering on YOU”

You have to point out that I am not perfect in the most detrimental ways

You nitpick every single aspect of my life

You pick and pick and pick and pick and pick and pick and pick

Until the only thing left is an empty shell of a 17 year old

Yes you may love me but I have not learned yet how to love

Myself, my body, my being

Because of you

Because you don’t love yourself

And how could a daughter learn to love herself when her role model

Always looks down. 

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