I am trying to love myself

It is a long and hard process

And yes, sometimes I relapse

And yes, sometimes I don’t like the packaging I came in

And yes, sometimes I don’t even like the present inside

And sometimes I question what has stopped me from tearing through this flimsy gift wrap and emptying its contents

 

But I am trying to love myself 

I am trying to break the habits that have grown between the cracks of myself

Toxic relationships I used to fill and numb the voids

Seeded at the center of my self-hatred

Rooted on my enormous lack of self confidence, worth, and preservation

But old habits die hard

Ending them is no longer enough if a new one can still flourish from its untouched roots

If I am fueled by nothing more than toxic doubt of my self value how is anything more than deadly lust to grow from it

So I am trying to love myself

 

Dear me,

You are a gift 

You have something to offer to every relationship you are in

Not few

Not some 

But all of them 

When will you and I realize that our compassion and understanding should not go without prize?

When will we see that our love is worthy of something more than the ones we have been chasing?

How many times do we have to get burned by the same flame to realize we are not water?

When will we see that love does not work in fractions?

A good relationship takes two whole people

Not half of one

And one determined to be bigger than themselves 

How many times have we sent letters, written in a concoction of our own heart and soul, to those who will let it bleed out in their mailbox?

We will decay, rot, and eventually dissolve if we continue to sign those letters with love

Our signature making it a contract we can no longer break

We have surrendered a part of ourself trying to build bridges that will never make it to the other side

If we continue on this path there will be nothing left to hold us up

These fragile support beams will collapse in on us

Unless

 

Unless we stop searching for value in the bodies of others 

For worthiness in the simplicity of a label 

Until we can grow love within ourselves 

In the backyard of our mind 

On the fertile land our mother has given us 

With the tool our father has built by hand to help it survive 

Can’t you see this is the relationship that needs work?

That pining after those that don’t want us 

Staying with those who dismiss us 

Is a product of this relationship’s status?

Eventually, we will not be able care for those who deserve it if we ourselves are starving.

We must learn to value this body 

Find worth in this life 

Secure love in this heart for ourselves 

So because I love you 

Because I love myself 

We can no longer stay after being hurt beyond repair 

We can not let it get to that point anymore 

 

With Love,

You.