I apologize for the silly rhyme,
But it’s time we had a talk.
You see, I've been meaning to write this for a while
But I couldn’t find the words, couldn't blur
enough lines into symphonies, find the time to listen to the melodies
my thoughts try to convey, I have to say it would be
easier to swallow these feelings,
than writing them out
than letting doubt sneak into every word
like a cancer that we thought had receded
But this needed to be said. Here and now.
I put finger to keyboard in an effort to
finally make you understand.
to reprimand you who wages war inside my heart
you that depart from amnesty and draw battle lines
In my my skin,
You begin each meeting casually,
expertly shrouding villainy in realism
before my thoughts become your weapons breeding violence .
But my echo can no longer be silent.
Now we find ourselves at a crossroads
one that shows how much I’ve let slip,
The life you rip away every time
you seek to up your score.
No more. I’ve made my choice.
my voice has been suppressed too long,
my chest caved in from all the words
you never let me speak,
And It’s been bleak,
But I write you a letter because it’s over
and you don’t deserve a proper goodbye,
My eyes will hold no tears. No shining banner
to call you back and welcome your return.
Today I burn any bridge I’ve used
to travel down melancholy roads of sadness into your arms
It is madness to think I've let you come this far
So I pen my declaration.
I don’t care which road you seek, you have to leave.
It’s almost bittersweet, because
There was a time when you knew me
Better than I knew my own shadow,
You pretended to befriend me
while your gallows waited to string up my self confidence,
no sense in giving it the honor of a quick death.
Your breath reeked of animosity, but I somehow always
found myself drawn back in by its familiarity.
These were the years I leaned on you.
Like ropes in a boxing ring, like the
Dream of spring in the dead of winter., your words like splinters
burrowing themselves into my skin.
I never had them removed, because they were all I knew.
For too long you occupied a space in my heart,
and there was a part of me that needed you,
that heeded every tainted lie you ever told
to make up excuses for my lack of success.
How I regret my longing for the comfort of mediocrity.
How I so often sought the safety of giving up- enough!
I want to try, I want to fail and exist and grow,
I want to know that I'm making a dent in the armor of apathy
this world has become so infatuated with,
I want to give my heart to someone ,
because I no longer see love
as the winning lotto ticket
i'm too unfortunate to obtain,
I no longer believe love will remain illusive,
The intrusive acquaintance that leaves town
without a word -love is no longer absurd.
I no longer see it as a door to door salesman
peddling promises of happiness that break down after a week.
love is the caring neighbor that seeks you out for
casual talks about the weather
so they can cloak their true intentions
of seeing if you're ok.
Love is the single ray
of light that makes its way through
the black hole of loneliness against all odds.
love is how god paints melodies for the deaf,
how he whispers sunsets to the blind.
I find that love is the answer
to every problem you've created ,
that I've been jaded for years by the illusion
that i never had a choice but to be afraid of my future,
but It’s time to suture the wound
because I have always had a choice, I choose to make it now.
I choose rainy moonlit walks,
I choose buying stock in faith
and knowing i’ll be rich in happiness,
I choose uncertainty and impossibility,
I choose love today!
And as long as you overstay your welcome in my heart
there is no room for the dreams I deserve ,
I need to make this clear- you need to Disappear.
You need to melt away
like the pain of bad day
when we find ourselves
in the arms of our soulmate.
So pack up your hate,
your doubt, your greed,
your self serving hierarchy of needs.
I can't wait to breathe
without the suffocation of insecurities you bring .
I will sing from the the rooftops
once my smile tells me you've left ,
let this note bereft you
of any intentions you have to return,
its best if we both move on:
using our mistakes to learn.
All this isn't to say that you haven't given me anything.
for every scar I wear, I bear a reminder of the times
I have picked my dreams off the floor
and nursed them back to health after you had stamped out their relevance-
so, yes: I know what it means to believe
In something that has no heartbeat,
to keep hope alive when it is only a spark
in the face of a cold winter’s night.
Your false promises have taught me
that lies are a comfort I cannot accept -
you have kept me ignorant long enough
for me to want to invest in knowledge-
the savings plan that's going to bail me
out of emotional bankruptcy,
trust me, you have played your part well.
And maybe you could tell me it was all for a purpose,
arguing that your tactics have been worth it-
That the years of self seclusion
and waking nightmares have kept me safe
but I refuse to believe that you meant
to keep me safe from danger ,
you have always been the danger.
In my anger I could wish it all away,
pretend your extended stay was only a visit,
but that would elicit a world absent of the struggle
that has made me who I am
and I am so proud of who I am.
You were the co author of what has been
the longest chapter of my life,
and our strife has laid the foundation
of a beautiful story.
I thank you for your contribution
to my coming of age.
Now , I must turn the page.