What If

Why does it hurt so much?

The words that fled your mouth

into my ears

still linger in my brain.

And the promises you made,

the hope you fed me

and the lies I gobbled up,

gullible child I am,

now taunt me and my throbbing heart.

I do not truly wish you pain,

I just wish for you to learn your lesson.

I just wish for you to realize what you did

was not okay,

and that you feel terrible for it--

Does that make me terrible?

Maybe, but oh well.

Is it not terrible that I am here,

crying after a month,

and you are probably with her,

whoever it is that you chose

that is somehow good enough for you, somehow--

and yet you don't even deserve her.

And worst of all,

you are happy.

You believe what you did was okay,

understandable,

you may even try to say that

"Everybody does it",

even though that is bullshit.

You feel no guilt.

How is that okay?

Is that not worse,

than me wishing you to understand?

Life is not meant to be fair,

life does not come without pain,

and surely this is not the worst pain I'll feel,

so why does it hurt so much?

Perhaps because I am grieving the relationship that never was,

perhaps because I'm grieving the person I thought you were,

and mourning over the manipulative, selfish, cowardly liar

you revealed yourself to be.

They say I deserve better,

and maybe I do,

So why do I still miss you?

Why is my bandaged wound stilla ching?

Why can't I get over you?

Maybe it's because

there's a nagging quesiton in my mind:

If I had said yes to your expectations,

would you have stayed?

If I had given you what you wanted,

would you have still ghosted me,

disappearing without so much of an apology,

Or would you have stayed,

continuing to feed me lies,

never to take off your mask?