humor

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I’m gonna put you In a wood chipper, baby Feet first maybe And the crimson colors Will match the autumn leaves
I saw you there At the renaissance fair All alone Churning milk into butter I got down on my knees And I said the Lord’s prayer That you would be mine In an hour
There's a half-burnt man in the woods out back,  where the dog won't go and the brush is black.  Past the old stone-stack and the berries red stands a musty shack⁠— so I've heard it said.
Ring… ring… ring… Voicemail. “I guess I’ll try again” Ring… ring.. “Hello?” Shit. My voice sounds like someone else.
Who saw the kid in the clown suit? He was on the swingset. An empty cup for change that nobody gave.   Who saw the kid in the three piece suit. He was on beach of lake michigan.
When Rocky Balboa returned from Russia, he'd been cheated out of his money, he didn't have a penny.I was at his estate sale and I bought his Lamborghini.But Rocky followed me home and said that he was ready to attack.
You've designed a new electric car and it's being built on the assembly line.You've been pestering me to buy one but I never will, one of your cars will never be mine.You want me to buy one but I'm going to pass.
I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
All I have to do is paint a portrait of somebody being dead and he or she dies in real life.I've painted portraits of my former boss, my in-laws and I also painted a portrait of my wife.
I have a son who is so stupid that I want to give him a slap.He wanted hushpuppies and I said "We got no time for that crap!"I'm Buford T. Justice and I'm a bubblegum machine.
In the begining, there was an egg. God said, “Let there be chick!” So the egg turned into omelette.
Amor in Roma
I have a sad story that requires music that's played by a fiddle.I've been wounded and I'm spending Black Friday at the hospital.Gamestop announced that they were knocking 80 percent off of Playstation 4s.
I love rhyming I do it all day long Whenever I start rhyming I want to sing a melody   I love rhyming It’s all that I can do
It's just me it's just me come and sit on my knee I'll tell you a story of how the wind blows and where all the bad kids go the boogie man ate em' he snatched them up by the toes spanked them on the bottom and gobbled the boogers from their nose t
I imagine one day a prince would come Just as all the fairy tales say. But wait as I might, he has yet to appear I worry he may have lost his way.   My parents tell me to remain patient.
My Uncle joined the circus, which is okay, I guess, if you like that sort of thing. Truth is, that sort of thing really creeps me out, like how  Lunchables 
There once was a cave, There lived three bears, A momma, a daddy, and a cub. They lived happily hunting and hybernating. Once, they were out hunting.
The moving force was slow and steadyWith wheels that groaned "Are we there already?"The complex grinned with sandy windows,"Say goodbye to your driver, fellows.I've come to wrench her from your seats
First I make the dough Then I perform some magic Greatness is acheived 
Writer's block is a painful endeavor. So bad it makes me question my creativity and if a spark of it existed ever. If only there was a magic pill or convenient mushroom sitting around waiting to be consumed.
Man, pizza is just great Like its really really good Like nothing you could ever do would be like your first bite of pizza Except maybe a litter of puppies  Not eating the puppies, you monster
The Life of a College Student   Hey Mom,   I am writing you from college. You know, I came book smart, but when it comes to household chores I just don’t have that much knowledge.
  Dearest cannoli, of chocolatey lore I could never desire but anything more Than your sugary goodness, so wonderfully sweet, I could never imagine a more fetching treat
Dear Dad.. You're like a broken advice vending machine All advice is free and it's always a two for one offer sometimes even three
While the hours pass the night With lightly feverish apathy, I focus weary concentration On the task that looms precariously.   “Here’s a chance that won’t come twice!” My freshman teacher promised.
It's interesting how you look at me: You nose turned up, Your lips scowl.   Do I look funny? Is it my hair? Am I in my underwear?   What is so repulsing about me?
I'm Popeye the Sailor, I'm sure not Popeye Doyle. Things went down hill when I married Olive Oyl. Bluto showed up at the wedding and started a fight. As usual, I ate my spinach and punched out his lights.
NO
My new Russian bride can only speak one english word and that word is no. If she doesn't start behaving like a wife, she will have to go. When I paid her way to America, I didn't know things would go sour.
I ate a booger last night. I admit it, you’re probably right. It’s nothing terribly bad. It makes no sense why you’re mad. I ate a booger last night.   Its tenderness was sublime and just right,
A humble peanut lies in the ground Secure from anger, danger, and sound The peanut knows not from where it came Only to grow, exist, and to stay in his game   Then just when his world was perfect it seemed
I do this for you Not because I want to,  just for you. I've left everyone behind, I've turned on my friends, said goodbye to my family. I did all of this for you, and what did you do for me?
Maybe if I were fast enough I'd finally outrun the tortoise.   I've studied closely: patience is key, patience is key; and yet, he just doesn't understand that speed is what I'm built for.  
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" "No, I don't want to! Why are you there?" "To save you, my princess, from horrible demise." "Please don't look at me with those eyes!" "Why not, m'lady? I truly do care."
we got to get things in check watch what you say & do others have no idea getting lost in the sauce of high ideals inside we hide behind four walls that squel these are desolate times
Curly Locks was chillin' playing basketball. Thinkin' 'bout how he could dunk if he were seven feet tall. Strolled back down the street 'cause he was hungry now. Could've eaten a chicken, turkey and a cow.
Many Months Ago America Elected a President His Skin is Orange His Hair is Fur like a Dog Your Tie is long
I claim witness growing up, down a path left behind a mirage of some passing distance. I see now the blurr faces. A mask in craves something once wanted, more in need.
Why? That's what I ask When I see you frown Every. Single. Day. You never fail to intimidate others With your apperant foul mood Hasn't anyone told you
 As the year began, I switched from the food industry to cleaning house I also became pregnant and got married to a wonderful spouse I have seen uncovered food blasted all over in the microwave
I am an environmentalistI am an activistI am a realist I am an elitist And I AM an Atheist But I am NOT a damn cynic!!  I believe that with our own hands we are destroying the organisms that roam this planetWith NO acknowledgement of the fact thes
  Eyes dark. The Joker’s grin,bares yellow teeth.Hair,Looks as if rubbed chicken skin was rubbed upon itHunk? Not in the least.Beef cake, yeah, thats it.Nose,Takes up the entirety of the mess that is your face...But it works man,Somehow.  I watch
There is something special about laughter. It allows people to enjoy the little moments they've saught after. The act of laughing can make anybody's day. It will lighten the mood and pave the way to a day that is at least
I possess a very active mind full of ideas. All hotter than fresh quesadillas yet more tasteful than plain tortillas. Sometimes there are too many for me to even keep. Occasionally they impair my ability to sleep.
   I use to have stuffLots of stuff Stuff that I woreproudlyStuff that I carried around in my pocket stuffStuff that I woundplace in placesamong other stuffto be seenby others who probably had theirown stuff I really lovedmy stuff Now I can not ev
Humor keeps me intertwined    with these silhouettes of mine-- Silhouettes of doubt and fear,    shadowed, yet still crystal clear.   The path is worn and faded--still,
When you broke up with me and you said you needed space i was fine with it Because i thought you meant it in a normal way Rather than applying for a job at NASA.  
thanks to Marcel B.   The day moon says “fuck you” when it rises With the brick in the sun at 4:00-- It wasn’t his idea.
On a fine summer evening young Matthew McGee Rode his new vintage vespa to a friend’s brewery That had just opened up in a warehouse abandoned
They Come.Flapping their feathered wings.Mocking me in their bizarre language of squawks and gibberishCircling like vultures above unsuspecting vesselsSearching for scraps. If one brings out food on a boat, They Come. They Come in their vast numbe
In front of your doorI paced,Stooped down and retiedMy shoelace,13- the numberThat was glazed,Rung your doorbell since your keysHad been replaced. Once the door opensIn a haste,And you'll stare at itIn amaze,With a motive ofA nutcase,I'll smash a
The time has come To put the nonsense aside I've waited all day Now it's time to get high   So, I lock the door And I load the bong Turn on the stereo To my favorite song  
Humor is the only thing  That is brave enough to reach its trembling hand into the shadows. Its long finger beckons to me "Come hither," it whispers
Greatest gift for mankind? The relief from a hard time; I say this with no lie. Laughter over anger makes everything fine Because I know it will be in due time. Knowing what’s best with best intention.
On a deserted island the one thing that I’d bring? With this answer I’m not hesitant, I want to bring with me, Some of the dead U.S. presidents.   Give me money. Give it to me more than I can count.
All I Need If I were on an island, lost and alone, What would I need to make this strange place home? Some might say a cellphone, books, or ropes But I know what I would need the most.
It chokes me (though, not with its hands) I struggle to catch my breath When its grip tightens I don’t protest But instead smile more
The day is long, its prospects dreary, and in this state I’m weak and weary. I have no drive and no desire; I need something that will inspire. Of movement and of thoughts I’m leery, yet to my mind there comes a query:
I love this place dearly,  its very close to my heart. I grew up here along with others, being pushed around in a cart.   If stranded on a desert, where will I go instead?
I could say that all I needed was something like a book, I could even say that I couldn’t live without food to cook. There are many things that I have said I couldn’t live without,
There’s one thing in my life that is dear and ethereal And that dear and ethereal thing is called cereal. Mornings and nights, without a doubt
Don't panic, our blue planet's a wonderful placeDreamers, we live, we fly, we soar, we singUnlike the desolate rest of outer spaceAlthough all curious wonders always bring.
She sits in the room full with her friends. They all laugh and talk. But why cant she seem to smile? She tries but their all fakes. She had plenty of reasons to be happy. She had her friends.
The happiest absolute of life to live, would be to start the work, unnamed, in death, But confused above this harsh world, I'd died a worker with the riches. That everything you wouldn't lose,
The air currents swirled like water in the ocean, swift and calming. . The air reminded me of fall, though life blossomed like spring, new and refreshing. . A garden green,
A svelte owl, on wing through this dark mooned night, an ego ghost on the prowl, to find what has been for his might. . Elusive moonlight, scattered over frosty grass,
ME
I choose to be meIn a world where others disguise who they truly areLiving a facade to hide any imperfections or scarsPressured to live their life just like everyone else
The minute she steps foot in a libraryShe has an excited lookAnd before you can even blink your eyeShe has her nose in a book
Authors are powerful peopleThere is no limit to what they can doThey have the power to make you ecstatically happyAnd make you have a heart attack, too
fuck that cat with two fists covered in molten lead If I had a nickel for every day I spent in hell,                 It would be the last three years with my ex-girlfriend. I don’t know what that equates to,
When the acute insatiable hunger beckons You, my friend, are where my thoughts travel. And as they unravel, my stomach babbles Its demand for attention, its need to be satisfied. You are my staple,
A little bit of coffee.... Okay, more than one just cup. To get me going, to wake me up. A few drops and shots and pumps and cubes. To add a little flavor and put me in the mood-
A camelopard gravid with sensuous tastes Turned to an emmet for a quiff of complaint “Do you enjoy your provender raw or percoct?” Which led to a moment of formicine shock The camelopard in sooth was arrantly hurt
As humans develop coming from a small origin. I learned that life will be worthless without humor.  Ladies and Gentleman, humor will bring the smell of spring and the scenes of summer to you.
Hand wash these Separate With like colors Cold Hot No additives Only non-chlorine bleach Do not dry clean Dry clean with a petroleum based reagent Tumble dry Line dry Dry flat
Dear Father Time and Mother Nature,  
I sip the coffee A warm, calming aroma For now, I'm awake
hypocrites! If you look up the definition you'll find "A person who indulges in hypocrisy" Okay, well thank you, Google. So if you look up the definition of "hypocrisy," you find it is
Death my dearest compassionate misunderstood friend When all hope is passed You stand  Your realm is the bridge of no return   Dearest one You greet all who you visit
There was a man named Paul Who went to the mall He had a great fall He was so tall He hit the wall But, who would he call? But U-haul! Have a nice day U-all!    
Memoryze  
orange with white stripes-- to go please
to drink is good; good for the soul, though only if, you lack self control.   imagine this; picture it quick; you've drunk until you're not quite sick,  
Intense in tense isn't a sentence
My Cousin scared the hell out of me when he bought a space shuttle.When he blasted off, I wet my pants and was standing in my pee puddle.A con man sold him some property on the Moon.
Something happened when I lit a cigarette in an oxygen tent.I'll tell you what happened instead of just giving you a hint.That oxygen tent went up in flames and I got burned all over.
Deodorant sent them to space
Some people say she was crazy, they think that she was out of her mind.She paid the price when she decided to use a power line for a clothes line.She thought that the electric current would dry the clothes faster.
“Leash and Collar” The wind came by and picked me up My heart dropped down but my body flew up I dreamt a pile of words Then woke up and threw up
Mary had a rack of lambBasting oh so slowAnd everywhere that Mary wentThe rotisserie would goFlocks began to wane and thinThis Mary was a gluttonAnd everywhere that Mary went
He told me if I want change I have to be the change.Anything else is insanity.I just wanted four quarters for my dollar. .
A thug was set free even though he committed a crime.The reason why he was set free was because I'm a Mime.I was on the witness stand but because I'm a Mime, I wouldn't talk.
People are laughing but I don't think it's funny.A dirty rotten crook stole my stolen money.I was very happy because I successfully pulled a bank job.But then that man pulled his gun on me and I was robbed.
Tweedle dee
I'm a Gungan from the planet Naboo and my name is Jar Jar Binks.Senator Padme put me in charge once even though I don't even have the ability to think.George Lucas brought me to life with a computer, I'm a product of CGI.
(This poem is based on the Star Wars movies.)I'm the Emperor and my face looks like a prune.I have dark circles around my eyes which also makes me look like a raccoon.
You know what I want to hear? A rape joke I want to hear you joke about a traumatic experience I want to hear you joke about my traumatic experience And when I don't laugh
You can runaway from love You can runaway from war You can runaway from danger You can runaway from a stranger You can runaway from a cop on the beat You can runaway from gangs on the street
Oh, I've got no problem eating alone. Make no mistake-- I can eat what I want when I want it. I can think how I look like I go where I want. I can see whom I please, Say what I mean,
Three witches gathered round a pot,  the first witch said "today let's make something new I'm sick of all this baby finger gluck and newt tail glue and I know just what we wierd sisters should do.
Why is it that the common expression is    “Butterflies in the stomach”    When referring to a feeling of apprehension   Of both good and bad varieties?  
Authenticity - A Life Unmasked     Tall
Chunky, Munchy, Crunchy, Peanut Butter or Chocolate Chip, It can be Thick, Thin or Crumbly, Its what Everyone like to eat. It could be round or squared, Sometimes Big or sometimes small;
I have a hole in my head. It's not that big - (not that large really) Like the skin and bone disappeared And a gap was left in its stead.   Oh, but I don't mind it Fig -
If my hair looks different, I probably washed it today. I find flossing to be inhumane. I sleep in a nest of dirty laundry, and it's the most comfortable thing ever. #SweaterWeather means I am #NotShaving.
burned 4 Fingers by hitting  my Lamp instead of the snooze button dropped my phone on my cat, earning a huge scratch on my Arm
"She dirty" "She low."
There is no human “norm” Black ink writing forget-me-not notes on your skin, You’ll hear future melodies Where people dance euphorically exhausted Dousing pale cheeks with spirit heated
I don’t wear makeup everyday.
sitting lopsided on a chair bland features souless eyes starchy complexion what is it doing here? who brought that here? where did this wash up from? how long has it been there?
There was a Clown named Dink Who owned a pet mink Who drank from the sink One day he was on the brink Because he was partial to the drink His face was always pink His twink brother Tink
(Second person) She laughs at us, you know? Telling us "I apologize." She's just setting us up for another pile of lies. Each time we want to desperately believe her. 
I am far from perfect, that is true But when it comes to my nipples, I have a perfect two Don't worry I am a man So dont be afraid to be a fan They are astonishingly round Better nipples will not be found
Study.Study.Study.Study.Study. Study.Study.Study.Study.Study. Study.Study.
I see your round face a wafting aroma towards you I want to pace and savor your colors richness of red and burnt sage flavors the golden gleam of your shine perfection and imperfection
There once was a girl named Lou, Who took her first trip to the Zoo. While escaping a snake, She fell into the lake, And that was Lou's last trip to the zoo.
 The clock strikes twelve,my hunger abounds, The kitchen groans with too much food inside, The food sits heaped upon the shelf in mounds, My mother scolds me and by law abides,
My next door neighbor is very stupid and a little strange.When I asked him if he had ever been abroad, he thought that I was insinuating that he had had a sex change.
My mask is thinnest because it is not my own. I have neither created nor condoned it. It grew like ivy invasive, clutching at the walls of my lungs, spreading a sheet over my lips
I want to be featured on Upworthy.I want to be the man who breaks the mold.
Take me back upon a hill, an imagery time of inconsequential deals, where love is blind, and hate is enforced, and all you can think of is substantial divorce. Oh the agony, the agony of time
I feel it is important to tell you all: It's okay to be sad. Or angry.
We students sit and sit all day What's worse is that we have no say Of when we eat or when we poop Our lives are one continous loop   Teacher, you dictate our life
Some people like to talk as if they  Are kings and queens of the world even though they obviously portray a disgusting clam with no pearl,   Gossip and name-calling is all that they do
Something took the rhyme from me I never felt it go But how to get it back again? Don't ask me; I don't know. Something took the rhyme from me like falling on my back
  I have been given the power to change.  To change anything I want. The word itself summons up clever ideas, yet it is simply harder to choose only one thing to change.
I told a friend "Hey Ralph, What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?" He said; "What?" I said; "I cannot Jelly this cup, Up your butt"
Never thought, did you that the change was within us.
The numbers are swarming in front of my eyes,
Will ya look at that pie? Oh my. Oh my! Whipped cream piled high. To die! To die!! I'm sworn to a diet. I sigh. I sigh... With all of my might. Oh why? Oh why?
I know I just met you but please let me say we could get food.. I mean..I want you to stay. Ahhh not in a creepy way
May I ask, why the "Stache"?
McChicken, McNugget, you’re so yummy,
A haiku that rhymes?Why thats unheard of! You say.Youre right. Not this time.
The teacher assigned a poem I said well does it have to rhyme She said well no but maybe at least give it a try-mm?
There once was a boy who wished to be a man. He thought despite all wisdom told he did lack, the wise words of this man were contained in his back.
There once was a man called Marcus Whom lost his paintbrush in his heart He had his surgery In the planet Mercury And then he let out his last fart
My best friend is my radiator. It talks to me on cold days When it's working so hard to heat our little apartment. It likes to hiss and pop and gurgle When I play it music on my guitar.
Don't do this, don't say that Oh, here's some "food" that'll make you feel like crap Is that not enough? Would you like some more? How about I give you a pop quiz that'll drop your score.
I got the letter for summer reading, and decided not to waste my time Eyes widen    I didn't forget to do it, I didn't want to  Lips tighten   Can you speak quieter I'm trying to sleep
  STOP! STOP! STOP! Good riddance, why am I stopping? Just stop. Oh, please. If you must, don’t be too specific. Now if you would excuse me for a moment as I continue ‘undisrupted’ ..
      A friend was once given some doughnut seeds to spread joy wherever she went. But each one she planted and watered and loved
Not everyone is perfect, okay, Even if the think of themself that way, And although teachers wish it weren't true, They abide by the rules too, So here is a list I'll give you to try,
In, out, in and out of my mouth. I know you're thinkin' dirty, but those are thoughts  you need to ditch, because the truth is I'm just  eating a juicy sandwich.
we spend about an hour with them everydayoh the things we wish we could say some of us want to vent and befriend 'emothers want to whack them with their pen oh the things we wish we could say
The Sky is blue,And full of poo,falling, spiralling, down,from white and brown-speckledcreatures They call seagulls. And the moral of this story is-Shit happens.
    My elephant Sam grew a mustache It was my birthday wish My mommy said wishes don’t come true But mine was special because mine did   The other year he had an afro
Walking home from work I notice that my wife sitting at the dinner table. My three children were upstairs playing. However, the house is not cleaned. I said to myself "What kind of shit is this?!"
My house is like a circus party,  But a little crazy for me,  Come right in, and right this way, Why don't you come and see? You see the lion and it's tamer? Performing tricks and all of that?
I always quit on everything On books, poetry, and writing I really would like to finish but
Being a teacher for the day I would get more done I would let the students teach I would make the class room fun Every once in a while I would give them a test With the answers on the board
  I’ve been to Paris... California. I’ve seen Paul McCartney live twice. I have cried both times. I’ve walked right into my dad’s jokes and right into opportunities and right into poles.
Seven O’clock, my alarm won’t stop.To turn it back off would be a sin.I get up my courage and wake up my body,As light shines very dim.
Galinda:(spoken)Elphie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project Elphaba:(spoken)You really don't have to do that Galinda:(spoken)I know. That's what makes me so nice
I have to write a poem Not too long or short. No required rhyme, No required sense. Just a gripping, passionate subject with flow. So here goes.   There are poems that teach lessons
There are monsters in my closet,             Fiends,             Menaces. They terrorize me once a week.   They wait for the chance,             Lurking,             Hiding,
if you could ask a question, anything on your mind, what exactly would you ask if you were given time?   Say you met a tall man, who said he was a poet. "Do you have a question?" He would ask.
I just got Punched in the Face. My eyes are not Focusing and I Think I’m riding a Pink elephant.
    With a heavy sigh, I stride into the room. A soft light, cold ground, gentle Scent of perfume. On a white chair, I take my rest, Thinking on who I am, Breaths moving my chest.
Of all the burdens I must bear, My brother's number one. Our parents really messed up there. They've raised an awful son. He's lazy, stubborn, rough and mean And thinks he's boss of me.
When I got home from camp today, My parents almost died. They asked me how I got this way, And here's what I replied:   "This little cast from heel to hip Is nothing much at all.
How long must I continue to prevailAgainst the the odds my homework throws at meMy only wish is that I do not failAnd maybe by this summer I'll be free.
Beep! Beep! Beep!  My alarm begins to cheep.  Beep! Beep! Beep!  It will destroy my sleep.  Beep! Beep! Beep!  My eyes begin to peep.  Beep! Beep! Beep!  My hand begins to creep. 
There's an Itching two inches past that-spot-I-cannot-reach buried in my hair I reach, stretch roll- to no avail Somebody help me- I roll on the carpet- suddenly, a hand, buried deep in my dark locks
Where do we go when we go? Who can we ask? I don't know. I know who I should But I don't think they would Tell me cause I want to know.
I. This man, though some considered sour, died from laughter. II. A pair of identical twins, could never tell them apart so one wonders who got this spot.
Mystery, mundanity; normality profound proffers suggestions to bold quivering chin. A man! I can be as charade hysterical flowing through brain of body ephemeral, briefly insane.
I regret nothing. (I regret everything.) I’ve lived a full life. (I’m only 17!) My family will understand. (They’re going to kill me.) It’s not like none of them have never slipped up!
Doubt, doubt, whine and pout Sore, sore, because you know nothing anymore
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