angst

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The teacher told me to study more. My family wanted me to do well in school, And because of the teacher, my grades began to soar.   Studying soon became a chore,
Days grow longer, nights colder; Everything seems to change. Yet, there’s still me- I’m unchanging. Same face, same clothes, same friends, same creation.
Days grow longer, nights colder; Everything seems to change. Yet, there’s still me- I’m unchanging. Same face, same clothes, same friends, same creation.
I think I was eleven. No, I was ten, but it was eleven weeks before my eleventh birthday.  Imagine this for a second- At ten years old you are given a choice, shoot yourself up with drugs or die.  
These are the baby teeth you forgot about the pieces of you that you don't remember  the sweetness of your innocence the roots of your upbringing  that passed by in rollerskates and scraped knees
I can't hold on, I can't let go... I keep on breathing But each breath is suffocating. My heart keeps pounding But in my own blood, I'm sinking.
I am the wild youth. I am made to become something as I had started, But I stand here as nothing. My voice is the loudest, the most rebellious, and the angriest,
Because I am a nice person,I will mother and worry over you.Because I am a nice person,I will let you have your way.Because I am a nice person,I will let it slide.Because I am a nice person,
There you go again. Leaving me behind. Take me with you! No, don't take me. Not this time. I yearn, And when you finally offer, I reject. Because if I accept,
OnceThey loved usNowWe forget the very reason We thought so  OnceThey said they can't live without youNowThat's what they'd rather do
Maybe you don't think of me much Or maybe you don't think much of me But when I take my mind for walks We end up sitting under aspen trees.
I hate the way some like to say, "Man high school was some bullshit!" Like, "I never learned anything useful!"
Today I woke up and wrote a poem. It wasn't about you, but you were in it.
what i find i cannot keep for when i'm fixed there springs a leak  
i remember falling in love with you as if it happened yesterday we had only met but you made me feel things i swore i could never feel again
My life consists of heartbreak, It's all made up of shit. Confusion is synonymous With life and life with it.  I hate to look in mirrors To see what's looking back: The sunken eyes, the fatty thighs,
She
A woman's mouth approaches the screen so zoomed in Red lines of blood chapped lips let out a dry whisper "everything looks so bright" A cool breeze dances on your neck's back
I could see that pain and hatred in your eyes The moment she spurned you as childish and unwise. I know how it feels to be scorned and chastised. I know how it feels to go against those baptized.
trembling fingers reach out for a comfort. a sign. a moment of raw and pure vulnerability that leaves you with a sense of freedom.
Dear Childhood, I wish I had gotten to know you better How long ago was it that I left? It was certainly early
"You don't mean it"   Tell that to the millions of lies you have spoken of
Dear God I am so afraid I am so afraid of being wrong Not saying 2+2=3 But of being so damn wrong in who I am So damn wrong in my choices
Stop and consider the chasm between us,We two individuals, proudly  inconsiderate,                                        And considerably proud, I understand the rust now,                 
The Words Spill onto  The paper in Dropletts of agony Things that left my mind When the tenderness of the moment Encapsulated me in the Woven Tapestry of  Your adortion
There are many things in life that don’t make sense. Why are we here? What is our purpose? How were we created? I wish I knew.
We were the best of friends.Just barely the age of six.We knew each other ever since we learned how to add with our fingers.We became friends because I thought fate willed us to see eachother again.
Often, I think of nothing at all                   when you obscure my view.                   I think of others down the hall                   and consider the morning dew. The way light catches the air,
the term hopeless romantic, serves nothin but a plastic, point of view, that everything and i mean everything, is perfect what chaos could ensue?   sad nights and gender dysphoria
Ali
Never have I asked for this, A dungeon with a twist. Never did I want this, A chain lays heavy on my wrist. Never could I pondered this, A life on the list. It was never supposed to happen,
i remember i sat there, in my cold seat along the last row you were there, a building and a world away the thought of you suddenly plagued my mind i knew i just had to write something about you
My hands fumble, are those your shirt buttons or my hearts crumbles?Completely alone ive gone numb, is my happiness real or just a decoy?My eyes have gone blind & I can't see the line between the truths and a lie and
To write about happiness is unmarked territory and I wonder what it's like over there. I wonder what it's like to be in love with being alive.   Is it like entertwining my hands
Riots rule the streets, While revolutions rule the world To say nothing at all Is to choose the side of evil   Even if you disagree Words are worse Than sticks and stones
March 6, 2017: Sorrowful living is a long, desolate path It’s where you’ll never really feel complete, but you don’t do much to fight it Because, though you just want to be happy, you don’t know where to begin
my thoughts are a cry for help a cry echoing into the void the unhearing void the uncaring void i feel so alone my mask of laughter it must be convincing does anyone know how i really feel?
This silver light does shine tonight. Your celestial body illuminates so bright And brings this will of mine to fight.   As the moon doth draw a curtain upon the Earth, So does my heart for your gentle mirth.
Tugged Two sides Pulling Each wanting me for their own They try to get along For my sake But they do not know
Is it called suicidal if it’s not right this minute that you want to die? I have a lot to look forward to. It’s just that, sometimes, I don’t particularly
when we met as fledgeling adolescents on that solstice day, the lake was blue-- no, grey-- no, the color of bitter
I keep coming back to you even after all the shit you've put me through I try to stay away and guard myself but I can't, and I won't you're poisonous to my health now things get worse
Home Four letters Four walls In the left corner of your bedroom there is an old mattress I once asked why you keep your bed in a corner You said it was easier to feel safe 
One time I talked to a stone wall, and it was just like talking to you. Except without the interuptions. I say, Hey, Wall, what's happenin'? You think you're trapping me,
Where roses meet asphaltWither. Rot. Mold. Asphyxiate.Here lie collapsed towersHeat. Lost. Combustion. Timber.Angels fallen trumpet loudAshes. Feathers. Triumph. Lore.Time runs ever odd
It’s all so cold lost and lonely, veiled by frost- be quiet, I’m told never speak up, no cost never any loss-
A hard glare. A clipped sentence. A detached expression. A broken emotion. 'Why?' Hurt, angst, unease, trepidation, the eyes refracted my pleading words. 'Why?' The withdrawn tone tore at the veil.
My despondency wraps it's arms around me, Motherly embrace, I cannot walk away.. My pathos leading me to beautiful mourning, Waves of melancholy spreading all over my body.. I cannot walk away.
A word was never uttered from your mouth But apologies was spoken from mine A group of friends hung around you all the time While I had no one to confort me when I cried You stole my heart
Anything a heart desires Locked away Listening to you without return   I can't imagine a world without it  
Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore, We are neck deep in denialshouting from our lungs,We are starving head cases.We are two am phone calls to our mothersaying, Mom, I messed up.
i wish there’s someway i could tell you about not being able to sleep. i want you to view me with virtue; i want your opinions to keep.   so i can’t tell you of what i’m dreaming,
This poem is not about her small heart and how it beat against my chest, A steady stuttering rhythm, Th-thump th-thump th-thump.   This poem is not about her small hands and how they cradled my chest,
There is beauty in everything in life, in death, in whatever comes before but beauty mostly resides inside of a heart
Whiskey-colored rays of light coming from the window dragged me out of bed.
Its not easy They said You'll have to struggle They said Don't be a rebel They said I didn't even intend to be one However there were other things They never said
I. I am fascinated by numbers I have an affinity for numbers.   I have written him 71 pages of poems. 14675 words and counting 2462 stanzas 3241 lines mounting. Upon each other like
Green eyes envy more than blue Fields of emeralds feel softer than ocean waves, but not to you Absent anarchy fills absent minds Your tsunami still fills mine Uprooted by shrieks and horrors,
Nails peel cracking, uneven- some long, some short
Brushing my teeth I use extra-strength whitening paste But look at your teeth, the Voice says. They're all nasty and yellow. I see a bottle of polish sitting by my sink
I’m falling to pieces From these full-moon musings I kept a journal Stayed up all night   You promised one day But I wanted forever Save your sorries
Scorching, scalding Sun
  Don’t act like I’ve ever been okay. Because it’s in the smile when I’m angry The straight lips you demanded when you couldn’t take more The obedience you looked for It’s all in me  and it is me
Did you ever think That maybe I don't spend time with you Because during every moment spent with you,  Every aspect of my life is scrutinised?    Did you ever think  That the differences you saw 
I do not understand why I am this way cursed with utter silence of my heart. As death do part my frivolous woes I free thine spirit from wretched guilt and break free the bonds that kept me sane.
Darling, stop. Look at the mess you've made of yourself. How did you end up here? Going to sleep, hoping not to wake,  searching for your release in the form of blood and a blade? Aren't you tired of this? 
It feels like I'm blind and cant see, like I'm stranded in the middle of the sea, like I'm submerged under water and can't breathe, like my sarrows are an obvious fact that no one will believe.
What are you to do
You wonder if it's all in your head. Why can't you run awayor cry for help? Once again, you are driven against the cold cement.   You become paralyzed. Unable to move
Hello? Is anybody there? Can you hear me? Do you care? I’m screaming inside And this laugh is a joke about how much it hurts …… One word One phrase One joke One comment
When did arts and crafts turn into powerpoints and drafts  
The blood seeps in Through the cracks on the walls And it penetrates  Into my spirit Evolving my state Into a more impeccable union   Listlessly it closes in On the lion
I think the saddest word is maybe Maybe I did It Maybe it was not me Maybe I will never admit   If I may be a good girl  Maybe I should wait
I'm tired of faking this confidence.
I could wipe off 90% of that so called beauty with a kleenex... I see that your outershell is gorgeous Underneath that.. It's pure ugly No. Not your face. Your insides. Your guts. your soul.
I'm the girl behind the curtain,
If I didn't change methen I don't know how I'd beI've lived my life through broken memoriesof who I once wasmixed with all the people who have shaped meinto the thing I am today
I try to write about flowers Sunny days and smiles   But it ends up about sadness Lonely nights and wrist slits   The angst machine is real And it tears my work to pieces  
I’d change the homophobia, the fear and the hate, The suppression of expression we face each day, The way they look at us as though we’re not quite right,
AND ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS ARE YOU OKAY OR DO YOU MERELY SAY YOU ARE TO AVOID WEIRD GLANCES AND LONG AWKWARD TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS THAT DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EXCEPT ENSURE THAT YOU WILL NEVER TALK TO ANYONE AGAIN ARE YOU OKAY OR DO Y
THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO KISS MY OWN WOUNDS EVEN THOUGH I STILL SOMETIMES PRETEND THAT IT IS YOUR LIPS AND YOUR HANDS AND YOUR WORDS AND YOUR LOVE BUT I AM THE ONLY PERSON THAT IS WILLING TO MAKE ME BETTER RIGHT NOW AND I A
I NEED RESCUING OVER AND OVER AND AGAIN AND AGAIN BECAUSE I CANNOT REACH ALL THE WAY DOWN MY THROAT AND PULL THE WEED OUT ROOTS AND ALL SO IT GROWS BACK AN INFINITE NUMBER OF TIMES UNTIL I AM CRYING AND IT IS SLOWLY KILLING ME AND
WHAT I DONT UNDERSTAND IS WHY IS LOVE SO READILY AVAILABLE TO SOME PEOPLE BUT SO HARD FOR ME TO ACCESS WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR ME TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE BUT HARDER THAN HELL TO LOVE MYSELF AND WHY IS IT OKAY THAT I CAN SO COMPLETELY IN
PINK LIPS AND A TONGUE MADE OF FIRE AND CRACKED TEETH LIKE AN OLD PORCELAIN SINK THIS IS WHY I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD THIS IS WHY I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUR BLOOD FLOWING THROUGH MY VEINS BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I TRY TO CUT IT OU
BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE LIKE ASHES FALLING INTO THE BATHTUB WATER OFF OF THE END OF YOUR LIT CIGARETTE AND I AM SO SAFE AND YOU ARE SO DANGEROUS AND WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER YOU TRIP LIGHTLY FROM THE FLAMES AROUND YOU AND FIZZLE OUT IN M
I am hardwired to feel every emotion so deeply that I have to rip holes in my skin to let them out and I am not human enough to be considered alive on the other side of it all
IT IS ELEVEN FIFTY EIGHT ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT AND I AM LYING IN A HOTEL BED WITH YOUR NAME ON MY WRIST STARING AT THE CEILING AND IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD NOT TO CRY BUT HOLY SHIT I MISS YOU I MISS YOU I MISS YOU LIKE HELL AND I D
I want you to be mine
If only I had a boat, so I wouldn't drown in my thoughts, and I could sail away.
It is wet and rancorous and my new leather shoes would feel the worst of it long before I got to class. I stopped, before exiting, to appreciate the mighty storm – and open my umbrella.  
Sometimes I want someone to hold me with no reason to just because you want to love me 
You’re looking out your window tonight So many things running through your mind You feel like you’ve lost who you are You want to find your way back to the start But you can’t, oh no, you can’t  
Am I not good enough for them?Is who I am not who they want me to be?They want me to be this plastic, perfect figure that I don’t seeAnd they need to know, they need to know  
      I’ve seen apart of me I didn’t recognize. Through my eyes I saw how my reactions to your actions, made me low, low point on the scale, I’ve inhale, what you’ve exhaled to me.
sitting in the broken land. surrounded by dead memories of lost friends. family and friends are all dead, the ties to my history have no thread. i lay motionless, cry towards beauty and sonnetts to the grave,
In this torturous classroom I sit in row 5, seat 3 and to my right in row 4, seat 3 sits the most beautiful boy I've ever laid eyes on. Every time we make eye contact I feel a rush of warmth
This body is not an apology This blacked out mirror  This blacked out skin This skin like shadows  This shadow makes noise  This "bitch don't make noise" 
Life, too often, is rushed. No time to waste, no time to relax No time to even say good morning " Tick-Tock " says the clock! Everyone's gotta be somewhere Rush, rush, rush Rush to school
The fact that evil is stronger than good is evil itself. Why must good be weaker than evil? Why must death me faster than creating life? Why must bullies be stronger than nerds?
It seems these days the only way to be considered for anything is to be a battered, broken, shell of a person. The scholarships, the colleges, they want survivors They want the best storyBut what about me?
I've been so sore lately it's as if my fingers are falling apart 
 IT’S A girlThe three deadliest words in the world.So many keep disappearing just because of the flip of the coin.
Reaper consumes me My foot hits the poor dear Dead innocent bug...  
They say I don't do enough
The girl screams wolf, And we all arrive, To find no dog but her reprise. She lazily asks for a cup of tea, Ungrateful in our company. So we turn away to our own lives, Warning her not to spout lies.
When I’m on the white sand shore in the world of my muse, I could swear that it is during the death of night that the world is most alive.  
#1– O/S:     Your mismatched eyes are so beautiful.               – One of glowing umber, as bright as the fantasy of Neverland,
swirling pit of icy burning black and red and purple and orange and twinging pink pulsating throbbing   
I'm not in transit, I'm not moving the pieces of me are not regrouping I'm hitting the gas on a car in park I'm a flickering candle out in the dark   Nothing and more nothing, that's what this is
Even though you don't love me, the smoke you left behind is choking me. I'm blinded by the gray.   Maybe the worst part is that you left all kinds of scars I couldn't understand.
Us
Snuggled up under the cover It's then that I think I may love her
You move on to greener pastures.
  How can you not see The lines under my eyes? Haven’t we earned our grades? We’ve played along with this silly game Graphite scratching out curves To make letters and numbers
The artist who uses blood for paint The boy who needs to love Her passion and fury she fears will taint One like a gentle dove
The water gets high, my oxygen is low, I'm barely getting by and I've nowhere left to go. The heart beats, blood races, body heats, surrounded by bruised faces. Hush,
DIG ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING GRAVE!Stop burying me in past memories,Forgotten conversations,Guilty Temptations,The unending persuasionsTo take you back-  NO!
Thoughts of her Dripping into my sternum From all the way up there In my brain Where she has implanted herself   Like an alien egg    
I suddenly realized (at five years old) Death applies to me too   That children become grown-ups who become grandmas who were the ones who died   And I was a children.  
I hate you dad It’s not personal though
Faces passing by bland grey in the corner of my eye To think I see them every day again and again along my way they don't know my name I don't know theirs if one goes missing no one cares 
I am passable and passing Neither commended Nor condemned And soon to be concluding
The self is the mortar of prison wallsThe heart and brain locked in vicious schism  Bearing the visage through these endless hallsOf glasses the hue of pessimism 
they criticize at me. saying I am lazy and don't deserve to have a second chance. "you should have done the work I assigned" but they're not there for when the fights get too much
We built our kingdom on hopes and dreams-- Our castle will never fall. Our fears, our faults, our insecurities-- Here, they mean nothing at all.   We rule the land as King and Queen--
Will it come to pass me by or will it never come at all Will it come with my sorrows or will it come with my family's sorrows I ask myself this everyday for you never know when it'll be your last 
All this fascination with death and dyingleaves me listless and wondering why.Pull the covers aside and let the cold find your feet,any sensation is welcome.
                   For all the things I've left unspoken I know they would be better off left unsaid. I'm left in a dream again. Please allow me to show you my life. I want to show you my pain
I have erased you. Like a smudge on my paper. Because you are                            distracting, because you are                            unnecessary. I have blotted you out,
Mountain ridges arise from your back  Everything is broken gloves on, real friends, fake friends No Tongue Raven at your window      get out get out get out permanent, this 
It doesn’t matter how many dates I get      who wants to be with me      who pays attention It doesn’t matter how pretty I am      how perfectly my hair curls      or how blue my eyes are
it was fine, great even                  until it wasn’t   a familiar stirring within       whispering everything i’m not                         maybe never will be       twisting my stomach into
Fuck you, I wish I could.   You flirt with me, Even though you don’t like guys? Bullshit.   You tell me: You have something to say. You don’t say it, And we lapse
Darting blue eyes scoping out the café. Sweating fingers tracing anxious temples as you search for a new prey.
You think you’re so cool Breaking up with me by phone I’m sorry but obviously You don’t know the definition of gentleman You think you’re in the zone, Taking girls on dates in private jets
I love the outdoors, and the sunshine. I love walking with my boyfriend, and spending time with my family. I love enjoying life, and thinking about the bright future that lies ahead of me. So, what don't I love?
Step by step she takes Holding her breath all of the way “She knows what everything’s about” they say Not a single hair out of place Her words are precious because
When we met you said you were dangerous, A word like licking knife blades, razor sharp; Dancing in silk slippers on an icy-slick roof-edge. You said it to sound dark and brooding, A walk on the wrong side of the tracks.
Hooded eyes: downcast, afraid Hunched shoulders, bearing the weight Sad smile, betraying the truth The pressure: too much for this youth.
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